Survivor:Earth: More than Meets the Eye
by Starscream's Mishap
Summary: If you want to do a decent spoof of 'Survivor,' do it the right way: WITH TRANSFORMERS!
1. Welcome to VanuatuOutbackAllStarBorneo!

(Drums.) We get an aerial shot of two air craft carriers approaching different tropical islands. The music gets exciting as Jeff Probst begins a voice over:

"Today, 16 Cybertronians are beginning an adventure of a lifetime." (Shots of various transformers lounging, looking nervous, adjusting their Survivor buffs of either pink with white polka dots or teal with white stripes.) "For the next 39 days, they will have no weapons, no subpspace compartments, no special abilities like summoning lighting or becoming invisible. Their sigils are covered up." (Camera focuses on Probst while he stands on the deck of a small gun boat.) "They will with compete to be the ultimate mech to outplay, outwit, outlast, for the chance of a million barrels of Karbombian oil. This is their story: This is Survivor!"

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

Jeff: (Shots of gunboat Jeff is standing on) Sixteen contestants are about to jump off this aircraft carrier to begin their journey to their camps. (Shot of Autobotopea flag, Decepticonniption flag.) There they will find a machete and their tribal flag. Their first task as a team is to use their map-reading skills to find camp, build a shelter, find the water well, and make a fire. Why? It's tradition. (He shrugs.) Survivors ready? GO!

(Both tribes jump off the boat, sink to the bottom and WALK to the beach.)

_Rumble: (Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist) Our first job was to find our camp. Since Shrapnel ate the map, we decided to fly._

**((Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized))**

(Shows Megatron declaring that walking in the jungle is stupid, and all fly away. They fly over Autobotopea camp.)

Megatron: This could be useful information. Soundwave! Send Laserbeak over for reconnaissance!

Soundwave: Tapes confiscated: host culprit.

Megatron: Curse you Probst! You will not thwart me like you did before! (Shakes fist)

Rumble: Look! The Autobots are lost!

(Camera swoops down to Autobotopea, who are going in the wrong direction)

_Cliffjumper: (Executive Producer for 'Unsolved Mysteries') I had the map. MIRAGE thought we were going the wrong way._

Mirage (looking over Cliffjumper's shoulder): We need to be going north!

Cliffjumper: We ARE going north!

Mirage: No we're not! Moss grows on the north side of trees.

Cliffjumper: What! There's no moss in a jungle!

Mirage: Yes there is!

_Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor): No one could agree with which way to go. I was not about to speak...I don't get involved in domestic squabbles._

_Ironhide: (Country musician): We wahndered around all day!_

(Shot of snake slithering on the beach. Suddenly, Megatron's foot lands on it with a squish)

_Megatron: (Psychology professor) The moment we got to camp, I took over._

Megatron: (pointing to various places.) We need a shelter, water, and a fire. We'll build here.

(Shots of them hacking away at bamboo with a machete, Decepticonniptions gathering supplies, Motormaster and Scrapper tying the bamboo together)

_Motormaster: (Construction worker) So far nobody's really stuck out as an individual, except Megatron. He TOLD Soundwave and Rumble they were on his alliance. I guess the rest of us are on our own._

Motormaster to Scrapper as they work: So if we use palm leaves as a roof-

Scrapper: Good idea!

_Scrapper (Truck driver): Me and Motormaster seem to be getting along pretty well. We both like Tenacious D, Kevin Smith movies, and 'The Simple Life.' Now we go around together saying "Snoogans!" and "That's hot."_

(Shots of Starscream trying to start a fire. Mishap holds the wood.)

Megatron: Don't you have that done YET?

Starscream: The wood is wet!

Megatron (Hits him in the shoulder, causing a spark that ignites the kindling): I guess you ARE worth something. Where's the rest of the firewood?

Mishap: Shrapnel ate it.

Megatron (looking up.): He's eating the shelter, too! (Runs over to swat him off.)

_Shrapnel: (Plumber) I was hungry, hungry! Why does Megatron have to be so bossy, bossy?_

Scrapper (Surveying damage): Bunch of savages in this town.

(Shots of gorgeous sunset. Autobotopea FINALLY trudges wearily into camp.)

_R__ed Alert: (Suicide hotline operator) We got to camp, after listening to those inane idiots Wheelie and Blurr babble the whole time. (Shots of the two talking fast and rhyming.) It was even harder thanks to the Survivor people taking away our headlights. When we got there, we voted on turning in early. Blurr talked for another TWO HOURS._

_Wheelie: (Student) Wheelie wish Blurr would shut up! Rather be stuck here with Kup! (Night vision shows Blurr talking all night while the others try to sleep.)_

Grimlock: (Interrupting Wheelie's confessional, coming on camera) HEY WHEELIE! ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO BE IN ALLIANCE WITH YOU! NO ONE SUSPECT IT BE YOU AND ME GRIMLOCK!

Wheelie: Hey! OK!

DAY TWO

(Shots of Mirage trying to make a fire. Cliffjumper brings in wood and tells him he's doing it wrong.)

_Mirage: (White House Intern) I don't know why he thinks he needs to pick a fight with me. If he wants trouble, he's got it!_

Blurr (comes in, gets his own sticks, and moves them so fast the whole load of wood ignites.): ThereitsnotsohardwhenyougetenoughfrictiontoignitethestickslikeIjustdidsee?

(Arial shots of their meeting place one the beach as both teams arrive, carrying their flags. They size each other up.)

Jeff: Hi! (They greet him back.) How was your first night? (Vague responses.) Decepticonniptions, did you build your fire?

Megatron: Shrapnel ate it.

Jeff: It happens. How about you, Autobotopea?

Ironhide: Grimlock knocked it out with his foot.

Grimlock: SORRY.

Jeff: All right then. Welcome to your first immunity challenge. As you know, on the planet earth, fire represents life.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK NOT KNOW THAT!

Jeff: Anyway, here is your challenge: One 'bot of your choice will sit this out while the rest of you must form a cheerleader pyramid. Your top 'bot will fire ten arrows into that bowl of gasoline, held by another tribemate, fifty feet away. The fire will burn through a rope until, through elaborate pullies, it pulls a flag up. YOU MUST REMAIN IN YOUR PYRAMID AND YOUR TRIBEMATE MUST HOLD THE BOWL THE WHOLE TIME UNTIL THE FLAG COMES UP. Anyone falls, you lose. Run out of arrows first, you wait until the others are finished before we continue. Any questions?

Mishap (hand raised): "Why am I here?"

Jeff (looking at her, incredulous.): We needed a token self-insertion character. It was either you or Mary Sue.

Mishap: Oh.

Jeff: Decide who will sit out, and who will hold the bowl. (Waits for decisions made; Shrapnel and Wheelie sit on the rugs laid out for the tribes.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm.) Go!

(Grimlock hoists up the bowl and stands still as Optimus, Ironhide, and Red Alert form the first layer on a designated rug fifty feet away. Cliffjumper and Mirage form the second layer, Blurr stands on the top, bow ready. He is handed the flaming arrows from an invisible hand. He fires all ten at once, it seems, until Jeff demands an instant replay that proves otherwise. All ten arrows miss. MEANWHILE Rumble holds the bowl up, complaining about its weight. Megatron, Motormaster, and Soundwave form the first layer, Scrapper and Starscream the second. Mishap stands on top, carefully aims a flaming arrow, and misses.)

Starscream: (shaking under her) Hurry up!

(Mishap sees Blurr fire all ten of his arrows the same way, thinks about it, and fires her next arrow in a parabolic arch. It misses, landing next to Rumble. She aims more to the left, fires, and watches the bowl catch fire. He pyramid wobbles.)

Jeff: Decepticonniption has fire. Stay steady...steady...(Teal flag goes up) There's the flag! The Decepticonniptions have immunity!

(Slowing down of film as Rumble throws down the bowl into the sand and runs with Shrapnel to the others disentangling themselves from the collapsed pyramid. Most are hugging, smacking each other's shoulders, Motormaster and Scrapper butt their chests, etc. Music swells, switching to Autobotopea looking miserable as they watch the celebration.)

(At Autobotopea, all look at each other uncomfortably and make meager excuses of getting water, firewood, going for a walk, etc. Ironhide and Blurr go to get firewood. Ironhide stands still, arms outstretched, and the pile of branches grow. A flash of blue occasionally shows up to deposit the firewood. Suddenly, Blurr is in front of Ironhide.)

_Blurr: (History teacher at Bayside High) IfiguredIneededtotalktoIronhideheknowstheothersbetterthanIdo._

Blurr: Ironhidewhoarewevotingfor?

Ironhide: Whaht? (Blurr repeats himself fourteen times). Ah. We're gettin' rid o' Wheelie.

Blurr: OhgoodIwasafraiditwasmeI'mgladitsWheelieIdidn'tknowforsure.

_Ironhide: (Country musician) There was NO WAY Ah was telling 'im tha truth. It would come back t' haunt me. Besahdes, it was HIS fault we lost._

(Shots of Blurr telling everyone how they are voting off Wheelie. Shot of spider eating fly in its web.)

TRIBAL COUNCIL

(Shows another arial shot of tribe Autobotopea trudging in. Jeff greets them soberly and has them light their torches and sit down on giant benches.)

Jeff: Red Alert...So what happened out there today?

Red Alert: We tried our best, and it didn't work. We underestimated our enemies, and...it cost us.

Jeff: Do you think you'll be taking the game a bit more seriously? (All nod.) Grimlock, is there anyone here you would consider the scapegoat?

Grimlock: THE WHAT?

Jeff: Forget it! Mirage, you're up!

(Mirage gets up, goes to voting spot, writes name down, while scary music plays. Others are seen getting up and writing in a montage. Wheelie holds up his paper, to show it says "Blurr" with a smiley face.)

Wheelie: Wheelie say, better you than me today!

Jeff: (Music gets dramatic as Jeff watches Wheelie sit.) I'll go tally the votes. (He goes over and picks the container up.) Once the final vote is read, the tribemate will leave the area immediately. All results are final. (He picks up the first piece of paper and unfolds it, revealing to the audience.) "Blur." (Next one is taken out) "Blurr." (Subject in question looks shocked.) "Wheelie." "Blir." (Jeff looks at them in exasperation.) Learn to spell! (He takes another one out.) Oh, this is classic. (He opens it to show a stick person with horizontal lines behind it.) Should I assume this is Blurr? (Grimlock nods. Jeff pulls out another paper.) "Jeff Probst?" Are you insane?

Optimus Prime: I can't vote off my fellow tribe members!

Jeff: You will or I replace you with Hot Rod!

Optimus: Grrrrr.

Jeff: (Taking sixth piece of paper out. Music tenses up) First Survivor voted off: Blurr. (Blurr gets up, grabs his torch, and stares at Jeff in dismay as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Blurr, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Blurr is quiet. For once.) The rest of you: get back to camp, take your torches with you for fire, and try to rest up.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

A shocking attack jeopardizes Autobotopea!

(Blurr's speech is heard as credits roll and reveal EVERYONE but Optimus voted him off. No part is intelligible, due to the expletive beeped out and the speed of his voice.)


	2. Eye of the Tiger

Jeff Probst's voiceover: "Previously on 'Survivor': the teams got to know each other on a personal level." (Show Mirage and Cliffjumper arguing, Megatron ordering people around. Shots change to the immunity challenge debacle.)

"The Autobotopea tribe attempted to raise the flag first, but they lost to the Decepticonniptions, and Blurr was sent home in the end."

Jeff: First Survivor to leave: Blurr. (Blurr gets up, grabs his torch, and stares at Jeff in dismay as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Blurr, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Blurr is quiet. For once.)

"Who will be next?"

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

**((Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized))**

DAY FOUR

(Morning shots of camps, starting with Autobotopea)

_Mirage: (White House Intern) (His pink with white polka dot buff is around his arm) The morning started off pretty bad. No one wanted to talk about last night, so we sort of left each other alone. That is, until Red Alert got attacked._

Red Alert: AUGH! (Runs out of the underbrush yelling.) A SNAKE bit me! (Holds up his arm to show a snake dangling from his arm by its fangs. It complements the buff wrapped around his other arm) Help! (Others stare, bewildered.)

Cliffjumper: (His buff is around him like a tube top) Snakes don't do anything to us! (Laughs.) You sissy.

Red Alert: I...am not...a SISSEEEEEEY! ("Play that Funky Music, Whiteboy" plays in the background as he throws the snake away. Red Alert screams as he rotates on one leg and karate kicks Cliffjumper into bushes nearby.)

Ironhide: (Nearby, working on waterproofing the shelter and shocked) Rayd!

Red Alert: GASP, Gasp, gasp...He shouldn'ta,..-gasp-called me...a sissy.

_Ironhide: (Country musician) (His buff is wrapped around his leg) They were tha least o' my problems! Ah have never seen a lazier group o' Autobots in this life cycle!_

(Shots of Grimlock and Wheelie frolicking in the water (their buffs are on like headbands) while Optimus Prime and Mirage lie on the beach sunning themselves, with their buffs around their wrists.)

Optimus Prime: Does anyone mind if I take my top off?

Others: No.

(He takes the red part of his armor off and his chest is pixilated.)

Ironhide: Kin you guys help me haul some water over here?

Grimlock: WHAT WE NEED WATER FOR?

Red Alert: (Coming back from a solitary beach ramble, an hour after the snake incident.) We don't. He just can't stand to see us not working. It gives him an excuse to vote us off and take over!

Ironhide: That's not fair! Ah work mah aft off for you guys, you could help me out wonce in ahwhile!

(Optimus sighs, puts his top back on, and gets up to help. Cliffjumper bursts through the undergrowth, branches attached to him, scuffed paint, and a large dusty footprint on his chest. He is waving an envelope.)

Cliffjumper: We got treemail!

(Zoom in from arial shots to camp Decepticonniption.)

_Mishap: (Flight attendant) I think we've been adjusting OK to the conditions out here, but the guys had an unusual way of reacting to some of the wildlife._

Soundwave: (Running into camp as fast as he can, metallic voice robotically agitated.) AUGH!

(Others look up from boiling water, fixing shelter from parts Shrapnel didn't eat, or making Megatron a throne out of bamboo. Everyone has his or her teal and white striped buff in headdress form.)

Megatron: Soundwave! Report!

Soundwave: (Points while jumping up and down in disturbingly uncharacteristic hysterics) Object location: There he is!

(Shows a family of rabbits eating some grass. One rabbit is larger than the others and upright, glaring at Soundwave. There are some bones nearby.)

(All male Decepticoniptions have fits): AUGH!

Megatron: Run away! Run away! (Decepticonniptions flee to the top of a palm tree near the camp.)

Mishap: WHAT are you DOING! It's just a rabbit!

Motormaster: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

Mishap: (Shakes her head at them all cowering in a tree like cats. She walks over to the rabbits, chasing them away. The 'bones' are actually bleached rocks. She fills a nearby hole she assumes is their home.) You can come down now, it's safe!

Starscream: I HATE those things! What kind of place did they send us to, with nasty wire-eating rodents like that!

(The Decepticonniptions float down from above, complaining about the rotten conditions.)

Mishap: I'm going to check for treemail, and get more water while I'm at it. Anyone want to come with me?

Starscream: I will.

Megatron: (Watching them leave, turning to Soundwave and Rumble.) I don't trust those two.

(Scene of Starscream and Mishap walking in the jungle, discussing who they should add to their alliance.)

Mishap: I think Motormaster and Scrapper would be a good addition.

Starscream: Negative. We need Shrapnel to be our surprise third person.

Mishap: And not the other two?

Starscream: At least, not for now. I want one of them to be betrayed by Megatron first before they turn to us for aid.

Mishap: What if there's a merge?

(Back at Autobotopea, the treemail is being read.)

Cliffjumper: "To make a boat, it needs to float, a reward you'll get, or be the goat!" What does that mean?

Jeff Probst: (Coming in on his favorite gunboat) It means...(Jumps off while invisible hands plop sticks and materials onto beach.) ...that for your reward challenge, you need to build a usable watercraft with only what you have just been provided. (Materials are dragged up and placed at their feet. Jeff jumps back into boat.) Bring it with you to the reward challenge!

_Grimlock: (Rocket scientist) ME GRIMLOCK THINK JEFF AFRAID OF US AUTOBOTS! HE PUNISH US BY MAKING US BUILD STUPID BOAT!_

Optimus: He wants a boat? (Walks over, picks up bundle of sticks, throws it in water. The bundle floats.) There's our boat!

Red Alert: Will it hold together?

Ironhide: Ah kin tie it better. Ah need help. (Looks up to see beach deserted.) Jerks.

DAY FIVE: REWARD CHALLENGE:

(Arial zoom in of both teams hauling their boats in. The Decepticonniptions have a true master-craft of sticks pieced together in a square shape. It looks nice and fits them all comfortably. The Autobotopeas have Grimlock carrying their bundle of sticks on his back.)

Jeff: Take a good look at the new Autobotopea. Notice who's gone?

Decepticonniptions: No.

Jeff: (looking annoyed.) Blurr.

Decepticonniptions: Ahhhh.

Jeff: Anyway, your reward challenge: You are to select two teammates to paddle on your boat to the corresponding tribe raft floating out there. You will grab ONE puzzle piece, paddle all the way back here, deposit the piece, and either go back out or switch places with your other tribemates. Once ALL puzzle pieces are collected, and the boat is ashore, then one person puts the puzzle together. You can give up and allow another to do it, but only one at a time and none of you can tell him what to do while he assembles it. Want to know what you're playing for? (He realizes all have glassy eyes, watching the dolphins behind him playing in the ocean.) I SAID, WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PLAYING FOR?

All: (Now attentive.) Yeah!

Jeff: The winner will have the choice of an energon converter run by steam-it needs fresh water to keep it cool-or three wool blankets.

(All look at each other, puzzled.)

Optimus: Blankets? We don't need no stinkin' blankets!

Jeff: (Ignoring the confusion around him.) Decepticonniption! Have you decided who will sit out? Shrapnel sat out the last time. (Mishap volunteers.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!

(Decepticonniption's craft is easier to get into water. Megatron and Rumble take the first shift, slugging it along as they paddle on opposite ends of the square-shaped boat. Autobotopea's clump is hard to launch, but once Grimlock and Optimus get it going, it glides quickly in the ocean. Jeff makes rules up as they go.)

Jeff: You have to paddle! Grimlock, you cannot transform and use your tail as a propeller! Megatron! You have to paddle! No flying!

Megatron: You're changing the rules mid-way again, Probst! Just like you did on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy!

Jeff: Autobotopea is pulling ahead and gaining a lead! Decepticonniption is slowing down! Here comes Autobotopea to get the first puzzle piece!

(Yelling and cheering on the beach increases. The Autobotopea are three pieces ahead when during his turn on the boat, Scrapper drops the puzzle piece in his hand. He dives overboard, while Jeff yells that the boat can't go anywhere until the piece is found. While Scrapper searches the ocean floor, the final piece is delivered to Autobotopea and the seaworthy bundle is dragged ashore. Shrapnel begins eating it.)

Jeff: Get away from that!

Shrapnel: They're not using it! I'm starving, starving!

(None of the Autobots have figured out the puzzle by the time Scrapper emerges with the puzzle piece. They have two more to go.)

Mirage: This is hopeless!

Cliffjumper: Eager to quit MIRAGE? Maybe you're throwing the challenge!

Mirage: You try, then!

(Cliffjumper finds the puzzle not that easy. He blames Mirage for the pieces not being set up right. Red Alert panics. Ironhide yells for someone to pick up the slack. While everyone fights Grimlock leans over and puts it together.)

Jeff: Autobotopea have it! They win reward!

(Grimlock's tribemates cease fighting and turn to stare in wonder.)

Red Alert: How did you do that, Grimlock?

Grimlock: IT NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

(Time for a Doritos break. Mmm. Corporate sponsorship rules!)

(Nighttime at Autobotopea. The fire is lit, but night vision gives us a Hilton kind of view. The boys are enjoying fresh energon by the coconut shellful. Just for fun, we're going to pretend the coconuts are robot-sized.)

Cliffjumper: He could grasp it by the husk!

Mirage: It's not a matter of how! It's a matter of weight-ratios. An eight once bird cannot carry a five pound coconut!

Grimlock: AFRICAN OR EUROPEAN?

Optimus Prime: (Gets up and stretches in the firelight.) I'm getting a little over-energized. I'm going to bed. Goodnight! (Awkward silence for a few moments.)

Red Alert: I wonder what the Decepticonniptions are up to.

(Night-vision at the fireside. Starscream is standing, the others sitting.)

Starscream: **_The walls were shakin', the earth was quakin' my mind was achin' we were makin' and YOU-_**

Others: **_Shook me all night long!_**

Starscream: **_Yeah YOU-_**

Others: **_Shook me all night long!_**

DAY SIX

_Motormaster: (Construction worker) We're taking that loss kind of hard, but we're not losing hope. Too bad that prize was so lame. I mean, who gives robots BLANKETS? Megatron wanted to smother Jeff with them, but we found out they go a great job of muting Soundwave's snoring. (Shots of the Decepticonniptions offline in the shelter. Motormaster is spooning Megatron, Soundwave holds Rumble on his belly like a Teddy bear, and Mishap and Starscream are making out.) I mean, that guy can SNORE!_

Scrapper: (to Motormaster, as they walk to get treemail.) They are our biggest threat.

Motormaster: I think Megatron is.

Scrapper: Maybe so, but he's not as sneaky. When he wants to vote us off, he'll let us know ahead of time. Those two jets would be more likely to blindside us. If we get Rumble alone, and demonstrate to him his lower position on Megatron's totem pole, then promise him a spot in the final three, we have a no-fail alliance! Starscream and Mishap, I wouldn't trust at all.

Motormaster: I still think that Megatron has bigger numbers and a more loyal group. Mishap can be turned. She used to be an Autobot, you know.

Scrapper: Did you ever watch Survivor: All-Stars? (Motormaster shakes his head.) We HAVE to break up the Mis/Scream alliance. Believe me.

(Shots of nature at its finest. No rabbits. Scrapper and Motormaster return with treemail. Mishap comes back from the well with Shrapnel; Starscream is with Megatron and company.)

Scrapper: "Not getting hugs! You're eating bugs! Don't do drugs! You're eating bugs!" (He lowers notice.) They're not even trying.

DAY SEVEN: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Swoop down to Jeff's ugly face. He's eating Doritos.)

Jeff: Come on in! I will take back the immunity idol. (Reclaims the G.I. Joe _TM_ with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Today, you have a special immunity challenge. (Flourishes table with plates set at it.) Survivor is not Survivor without eating bugs! (Takes off cloth that was covering a muddy bowl with nasty creatures in it.) You have to eat the whole thing, and whoever doesn't is out. As we go, the bugs get nastier. (Gleefully) don't let it walk off your plate! We continue this until one person is left. Their tribe gets immunity. Any questions?

Optimus Prime: Jeff, I can't eat bugs! All sentient beings deserve to be free! (Jeff glares.) Besides...I have no mouth.

Megatron: Want me to tell you where you can put it?

Jeff: No! You're right Optimus. You have no mouth. Neither do Grimlock or Soundwave. Let me consult the judges.

Megatron: The same ones who cheated me out of winning your short-lived game show?

Jeff: Hush! (He is on his cell phone, arguing, while Grimlock transforms into Dinobot mode and eats the entire bowl.)

Grimlock: SLIMY YET SATISFYING!

Jeff: (Hangs up his phone!) Grimlock! No Transforming! Why did you eat that! Augh! (Thunder claps.)

Mark Burnett: (Appearing from heaven.) Probst! Hear my ruling! (Jeff falls on his knees.) What are you doing?

Jeff: I'm averting my eyes, oh lord.

Mark: Well, stop it! It's always 'forgive me' this, and 'I'm not worthy' that...anyway, my ruling: I have a bag of two colored stones: one purple and one yellow. One representative of each tribe will select a rock from this bag. The team with the purple rock will face tribal council. Now, who are your representatives? (Ironhide steps forward, Starscream is pushed. Starscream reaches in and pulls out a yellow rock. Ironhide is left with purple.) Decepticonniption wins immunity! (Burnett disappears in a heavenly light and everything returns to normal except that Autobotopea is upset.)

Jeff: (After swallowing hard and slowly rising from the earth.) See you guys at tribal council.

(Shows relieved Decepticonniptions grabbing immunity idol and Motormaster leading them all in singing "Superfreak" as they leave the area.)

Mirage: I don't like that ruling.

Cliffjumper: You don't like anything! Why do we have you around?

(Back at camp, the Autobots disperse again. Cliffjumper is talking to Wheelie and Grimlock about voting off Mirage. Next scene, he's playing on Red Alert's paranoia. Cliffjumper's confession underscores this play.)

_Cliffjumper: (Executive Producer for Unsolved Mysteries) There is NO WAY I am leaving this island tonight. The people I talked to don't like Mirage at all, and agreed to vote for me. I know he's got that alliance with Ironhide and Optimus Prime, but with all of my persuasive communication skills, I KNOW he's leaving! I can't wait 'til he's out of here! I'm counting down the minutes!_

**((Author's note: sorry, I couldn't resist))**

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: (waits for them to all sit down.) So, how did you like the almighty Burnett?

Optimus: Not too fond of his idea of justice.

Jeff: I didn't ask you! I asked Wheelie.

Wheelie: Jeff, I find this so confusing: why is Mark a praise that you sing?

Jeff: Moving on: Mirage, who are you voting for?

Mirage: Go fish.

Jeff: Retard. Cliffjumper, is there someone in this group you'll be glad to vote off?

Cliffjumper: Only the guy who deserves it most.

Jeff: With that said, Optimus, you're up!

Optimus: (Goes forward and votes for Cliffjumper) Sorry, old friend. I have a promise to keep.

Cliffjumper: (Montage of others voting, ending with Cliffjumper voting off Mirage.) Hope you like Loser Lodge.

Jeff: Everyone finished? I'll go tally the votes. (Music gets dramatic. He goes over and picks the container up.) Once the final vote is read, the tribemate will leave the area immediately. The decision is final. (He picks up the first piece of paper and unfolds it, revealing to the audience.) "Mirage." "Cliffjumper" "Mirage" "Cliffjumper" "Cliffjumper" Two votes Mirage, three votes Cliffjumper. (Opens next one. It's blank.) Who's this?

Grimlock: MIRAGE DISAPPEAR. (Wheelie looks dismayed.)

Jeff: (Sarcastically.) Nice. Three votes Mirage, three votes Cliffjumper. (Unfolds last vote. Music tenses up.) Second Survivor to leave: "Cliffjumper." (Cliffjumper gets up, grabs his torch, and glares at his teammates as the sad music plays and the lights change.) Cliffjumper, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff puts the flame out. Cliffjumper turns around and gives them all The Finger as he leaves.) The rest of you: go back to camp, get some rest. This has been a stressful day. It's going to get worse.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

Scramble!

Cliffjumper: (His speech is heard while we see Optimus Prime, Ironhide, Mirage, and Wheelie vote off Cliffjumper.) I guess Red Alert voted me out. Jerks. I hope they get their afts handed to them by those Deceptigoons!


	3. The Lunchbox has Landed

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on Survivor: Votes turned out different than expected.

Grimlock: MIRAGE DISAPPEAR. (Wheelie looks dismayed.)

What will happen this week?

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

**Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized**

(Shots of Autobotopea walking back in the dark. Nightvision shows Wheelie frowning and Red Alert nervous. Wheelie turns to glare at Grimlock)

Wheelie: (Pink tribal buff with white polka dots on his head like a headdress) Your brain is full of hodge-podge! Why'd you vote for friend Mirage?

Grimlock: (Pink tribal buff with white polka dots on his abdomen like a tube top) ME CAN'T DRAW CLIFFJUMPER.

Wheelie: Your head's a rock, Grimlock!

Grimlock: TALK NORMAL!

(Both fight until they get back to camp.)

_Mirage: (White House intern, buff banded around his leg.) I was almost voted out because Grimlock is a moron. (Shots of the Dinobot lumbering around camp. Mirage is in the background, looking annoyed as he sits by the fire.) He and Wheelie can take their alliance elsewhere_.

Optimus Prime: (To others in tribe as they reach the fire. His buff is around like a headband.) We lost a good friend today.

Ironhide: (His buff is around his arm.) He's not dayd, Prahme.

Optimus Prime: I know that! What I'm saying is that we experienced a premature ejection.

Mirage: Too much information!

Red Alert: (Pulling his buff over his optics.) Ew!

Optimus Prime: (Frustrated.) Forget it, I'm going to bed.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SLEEP behind OPTIMUS!

(Shot of the Autobotopea sleeping within each other: All are in the fetal position, facing the right. Grimlock cuddles Optimus cuddles Ironhide cuddles Red Alert cuddle Mirage cuddles Wheelie. Red Alert sniffs the air.)

Red Alert: What's that?

Mirage: A side effect of the fire-produced energon.

All: Augh!

Red Alert: There it is again!

Wheelie: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

All: Augh! (They break apart.)

DAY EIGHT

(Aerial zoom in of Decepticonniption's camp. All are wearing their buffs like armbands. Megatron and Starscream are in front of the fire, arguing.)

Megatron: If I wanted you to sand the seat on my throne, I would have instructed you!

Starscream: I DIDN'T! And if I did, it obviously did nothing to improve your disposition!

Rumble: I did it.

_Rumble: (Pulizter Prize-winning columnist.) I though he might like a smoother spot to rule over us_.

Megatron: From now on, NOBODY does any extraneous activity until challenges! We have NO energon left to spare!

Mishap: (Mishap and Shrapnel fly back to camp, arms full of coconuts. Recall that the author declared we pretend the coconuts are a decent size for robots.) We do now!

Megatron: What is the meaning of this?

Shrapnel: We emptied coconuts and filled them with the energon from the Autobots, Autobots!

Starscream: You mean you snuck into their camp-

Shrapnel: While they were sunbathing, sunbathing! (Shows pixilated Autobotopea lounging on the beach, except for Red Alert and Ironhide, who trips over their armor cast off around the beach to ask if anyone has been sampling the energon. While everyone denies it, Shrapnel and Mishap are funneling energon into empty coconut husks.)

_Starscream: (Julliard instructor) I have never wanted Mishap more. No wait, strike that! -Ahem- Shrapnel and Mishap brought back energon for us. I was glad. We're such a great team! (Anxiously looks at camera.) I hope that will not come back to haunt me_.

Shrapnel: (He drinks a little from one of the husks, making a slurping noise.) That sounds funny, funny!

Mishap: (Slurping from her container.) It tastes great!

Shrapnel: Less filling, filling!

Rumble: Shut up and share the wealth! (All take a drink.)

Megatron: Excellent! (All grab their coconuts, calling in Motormaster, Scrapper, and Soundwave from the ocean to get their share.) We'll win the next challenge yet! Now, slurp your nuts!

DAY NINE

(Decepticonniption's camp in the morning. A rabbit, outside of the opening of their shelter, hears them make awakening noises and runs for it. Rumble goes out with Scrapper to the forest.)

Scrapper: -so you see, we can give you a spot on the final three.

Rumble: Megatron already guaranteed me a spot on the final three.

Scrapper: (Consternated.) Uh…how about you help me get rid of Motormaster and you'll be in the final two…and I'll carry you around for the rest of the day.

Rumble: (Thinking about it.) Sure!

(Starscream is sharpening a bamboo strand to defend against rabbits when Scrapper emerges from the woods, carrying Rumble.)

Rumble: We have Treemail! "This challenge will make you beam! Guess it, and it makes you scream!"

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Jeff watches the two tribes come in, smiling at the growth of facial hair and their dirty, scratched bodies.)

Jeff: Take a good look at the new Autobotopea tribe. Notice who's gone?

Decepticonniptions: No…(Starscream guesses Optimus Prime.)

Jeff Probst: It's Cliffjumper, you idiots! Don't you know the names of your enemies?

Megatron: Just one. Jeff Probst.

Jeff: Alright, here's your stupid challenge: It's the beam over water one. You'll be numbered 1-6. (Two Decepticonniptions will sit out.) #6 will have to walk around the others, one at a time, until he has gotten to the end. If you fall off the beam, you have to start over. When he is done, #5 will go next. And so forth. Any questions?

Megatron: Who wrote "You've Got a Friend?"

Jeff: For the last time, Megatron, GET OVER IT!

Megatron: It was Carole King and James Taylor and you KNOW it!

Jeff: Don't get me started!

Megatron: I should have been in your Tournament of Champions!

Jeff: Like the International Gymnastics Committee, Rock and Roll Jeopardy! judges stand by their ruling. You write in Cybertronian, you LOSE!

Megatron: Cursive is NOT Cybertronian!

Optimus Prime: Can we get this over with?

Megatron: You've interfered with my plans for the last time, Prime! Decepticons! Attack! (And they do.)

(Jeff watches the fighting with interest. When he's had his fill, he goes off-camera and brings back a tape player that looks suspiciously like Blaster. He presses 'play.' "What is Love?" plays. As soon as it starts with that catchy beat they freeze. The backup music begins, and they all bob their heads in sync. Jeff turns to the camera.)

Jeff: We're not sure why, but they ALL seem to react that way to the song. (Jeff turns off the song and addresses the robots.) Now get on those beams! (They obey. Scrapper and Shrapnel sit out.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm.) Go!

(Grimlock is first to attempt going across on Autobotopea. He totters around Optimus and promptly pulls him into the water with him. They try again. This time, Optimus pre-emptively falls, grabs Ironhide; who successfully shakes him off but overcompensates and takes Red Alert and Mirage down with him. Wheelie shakes his head in disbelief.)

(The cameras glance at the Decepticonniptions, who in the span of twenty seconds have successfully moved Starscream, Soundwave, and Megatron to the other side of the board.)

Ironhide: (Still in the water) Hey! They're cheatin'!

Jeff: I didn't see it!

Megatron: (To Starscream) I told you it would work! Probst has the attentiveness of a hockey referee!

Soundwave: He he he.

(Motormaster swivels around Mishap successfully, but steps on Rumble. Both fall. Rumble angrily whacks Motormaster, since he cannot use his piledrivers.)

Rumble: How could you fail at this? Nobody tumbles with Rumble!

(On Autobotopea's side, Grimlock is still falling over.)

Grimlock: THIS HARD WITH NO ANTI-GRAVITY!

Ironhide: Yay-ah! How 'bout a break, Probst? (Jeff glances over at the Decepticonniptions in time to see Mishap cross over Rumble and both sway their hips in a dance over to the cheering Decepticonniptions.)

Jeff: Decepticonniptions win! Oh yeah, they win a BETTER energon converter!

(Autobotopea, furious, leave grumbling; while the Decepticonniptions sing loudly "Mr. Roboto" and Megatron hoists their converter over his head.)

DAY TEN

_Megatron: (Psychology Professor) I do not trust him, but I need to stay on good terms with Starscream if I want to survive a merge or a scramble. To make him feel like my equal I had him accompany me to get water, where we_ _talked about how someone should steal Autobotopea's energon converter to slow our opponents down, since cheating isn't going fast enough._

Megatron: I can get somebody to do it FOR us so we'll be blame free, and Prime won't be able to do the show.

Starscream: Who is this imaginary hatchet mech?

Megatron: Hatchet-MECHS.

(Shows someone's fist banging a coconut tree. Coconuts are falling as Motormaster concentrates on a stick in his hand. Scrapper stops his tree torture and steps forward, doing a strange dance. He turns back to his silent friend and bangs the tree three more times.)

Scrapper: (Whacking the stick out of Motormaster's hand.) Knock it off! Nuttynuttynuttynutty…

Megatron: Hey Scrap!

Scrapper: Megs Man! Noochie-noochies.

Megatron: (While Starscream stares in shock) You know about this game show thing they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Scrapper: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Starscream: Really, Why?

Scrapper: What else we gonna do? Motormaster here stole the schematic of the stage (gestures to Motormaster, who whips out a blueprint from the passenger door of his trenchcoat-like truck body) from some foolish carpenter-

Starscream: WHAT stage?

Scrapper: This whole SHOW is a stage! Anyway, the foolish carpenter left it out and we found a weakness, just like the freakin' Death Star! He figures you pull this crossbeam out-freakin' bickety bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.

Megatron: We were thinking about something simple, but if you want to destroy the stage, hey! We're all for that.

Starscream: I thought we wanted them to spy on the Autobots!

Scrapper: That sounds easier. Only problem is All Fours.

Starscream: Who's All Fours?

Scrapper: You don't know who All Fours is? (Huffs.) They don't know who All Fours is. That stupid, lumbering Autobot Grimlock. He's barely upright.

Megatron: Holy slag! I never thought I'd see the day when two such highly reputable mischief makers as yourselves short their circuits at the sight of a cerebrally-challenged Dinobot.

Scrapper: Slag, Megs, we're gonna bust up that camp like a Cybertron Academy kegger. We're just gonna outwit All Fours, X-wing style.

Megatron: I never would have guessed. Alright guys, you have your mission. Go forth, wreak havoc.

(Shots of Autobotopea lounging about, except for a ticked-off Ironhide.)

_Mirage: (White House Intern) Ironhide needs to relax. He thinks he's doing us a favor by working all the time, but any nice feelings disappear when he complains about how hard he works._

Red Alert: (Running up to the sunning Autobotopea.) Somebody's sneaking up on us!

Mirage: Really? Where? (Red Alert motions by the fire, not knowing their names he tries to draw a semi and a bulldozer in the sand. Before the others can guess who the drawings are, Grimlock roars and breaks into a run.)

_Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor) Megatron had doubts regarding his minions' abilities, so he sent Shrapnel and Soundwave to help. (Snicker.) There are several cameras following all of these groups, and thanks to said cameras, Soundwave and Shrapnel are easily captured. Idiots! This is why they lost the war_!

(Prime stands over Shrapnel and Soundwave as Grimlock sits on both Decepticonniptions and the rest watch, smirking.)

Prime: Once I realized the both of you were in the camp together I decided to set up this little ambush…to remove…you and your…sidekick here from the premises permanently.

Shrapnel: Hey, why am I HIS sidekick, alright, alright? How do you know he's not MY sidekick, sidekick?

Soundwave: You're nothing but a lot of talk and a sigil. (Grimlock gets whacked upside the head and staggers, collapsing off of the two.)

Scrapper: Oh Son of Jor-el, kneel before Zod. Snootchie Bootchies! Hehehehe. (He takes off with Prime and Ironhide on his heels. Mirage and Red Alert collapse under the Vulcan nerve pinch and Motormaster quickly outruns Autobotopea to get to Scrapper, patting him on the shoulder as he reaches him.) What are we doing? Fly fatass, fly! (They take off, with Shrapnel and Soundwave catching up to them. Motormaster pulls out energon-filled coconuts from the same place he'd hidden the blueprints and threw them at their enemy. The beach explodes, sending Optimus and Ironhide ducking for cover. Scrapper looks admiringly at Motormaster's ingenuity.) Where do you get those wonderful toys? (Kisses his cheek.)

DAY ELEVEN: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of Autobotopea and Decepticonniption coming up to the challenge area. Both are glaring at the other tribe. Jeff watches, amused expression gone from his face.)

Jeff: I hear there's been a lot of cheating in the past few days.

(No one meets his eye, except for Megatron's insolent look.)

Optimus Prime: Jeff, we're willing to overlook the invasion of our camp if the Decepticonniptions are willing to relinquish their employment of the ability to fly. (They protest.)

Jeff: I think we need to discuss this later. First, the challenge: Each tribe has a representative run their own maze. One tribe member must climb this greased pole to get to a key. That key will lead into the maze, which will have various keys that will unlock various gates to unlock a flag. Take the flag back through the maze. The first representative to bring the flag back wins immunity, and gets the immunity idol. (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go! (Rumble flies up the greased pole while Mirage is trying to climb it.) That's it! Stop! Stop! STOP!

Rumble: What?

Jeff: I'm sick of this! Decepticonniption, you lose because you cheated! Report to tribal council tonight! Autobotopea, take the idol and go!

(Autobotopea runs out with the idol, cheering loudly the minute they're off-camera.)

Megatron: This is not over Probst! I will prevail!

Jeff: Your most intelligent mode of operation would be to avoid me until I can stand the sight of you. Now get out!

TRIBAL COUNCIL

(Shows Jeff sitting at the fire, brooding. Scary tribal counsel music is playing in background. No Decepticonniptions.)

-Time passes-

(Shots of Jeff pacing in front of the fire, scowling. Still no Decepticonniptions. Music has stopped.)

-More time passes-

Jeff: (Looking at camera, furious.) Of course you realize this means war.

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR: Revenge of the game show host!


	4. A Most Extreme Elimination Challenge

(The original beginning is shown, but guitar music plays and a different voice announcer comes on.)

New Narrator: What are these people running from? They're not! They're running TO the world's toughest reality sports competition in town. It's the classic battle of Transformer ripoff vs. lame villain ripoff, also known as Guardians versus Renegades! It's now time for MXC: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge! And now here's our superhero duo of copyright infringement... Kenny Blankenship and Vic Ramano!

(Shots of two guys in Kimonos and strange headpieces/wigs surrounded by smiling Japanese men in bright blue jumpsuits, as well as their giant samurai mascot Skanky.)

Vic Ramano: Hello Kenny...we have a great show today.

Kenny Blankenship: Yeah Vic...it's the evil characters from Gobots taking on their nemeses the Guardians. How did we get in the middle of this?

Vic: Kenny; that is a good question: too bad you were there when it happened! (Vic hits Kenny on his head with his fan.) Come on Kenny! Remember when we kidnapped Jeff Probst and held him hostage in the Port-a-Potty at the Game Show Host's Convention? And how he got back at us by selling our contracts to Spike TV?

Ken: (Nodding like crazy, gesturing to the large samurai a few feet from him.) Oh yeah! Then Skanky ripped him a new one in the three-legged man race-

Vic: That's 'cause Skanky has his OWN third leg. (Polite laughter around him.)

Kenny: So what does that have to do with today?

Vic: (Hitting Kenny on the head with a fan again) We're taking over 'Survivor' today, that's what! On to Guy La Douche!

(Shots of man in a safari outfit, giggling into a microphone.)

Guy: Guy La Douche here, reporting on all the robot lot that's hot to trot! HoHoHoHoHo! Today they battle in such games as Sinkers and Floaters, the stickiness that is Window Pain, a rolling good time at Boulder Dash, and everyone's favorite, the Log Drop! Oh ho, I cannot wait to see heavy metal action with these bots! Go ahead, Captain Tenneal!

Captain Tenneal: (In woods with VERY confused Transformers.) How many of you think you are on 'Survivor?' Show of hands. (All raise hands.) Well, you're WRONG! You ticked off Jeff Probst and now you are about to be edited like you've never been edited before! How does that make you feel? (Gives mic to Megatron.)

Megatron: (In a voice that is nowhere near his, lips not matching the words.) It makes me hard!

Captain: All of you is hard, you stupid robot! (Gets into position, waves his stick) LET'S GO!

(Shots of confused participants running. Sinkers & Floaters, as shown on the Ken-o-tron: There are a set of twelve stone platforms randomly arranged across the pond. Some of the rocks sink when they are stepped on, some don't. You win by successfully crossing the pond and you lose when you fall into the water.)

Motormaster: (Not in his voice.) This one's for the kids!

Vic: Here is our first player for the Renegades: this is Road Ranger, he collects road kill to make into children's coats for the Salvation Army. (Motormaster slips on the first rock and lands covered in mud.) And he IS road kill before he even took a step out of the gate! Our MAACO Collision Repair & Auto Painting Instant Replay shows it again in slow motion. Ooh! Our second Renegade is Dart, who leads NA meetings at the Crystal Methodist Church-wow! (Rumble makes it across while Vic is talking.) The Renegades now have a point up on the board!

Kenny: Now following suit is Guardian Scooter, the world's most obnoxious clown. When interviewed earlier, he was quoted as saying "Don't fuss, never cuss!" causing Guy La Douche to immediately punch him in the face.

Vic: He DID? (Wheelie makes it across, barely. Guy is on the other side and hits him again.) Although he's just been fisted by Guy, the point counts and the score is tied, and the last one up is...(Mirage hesitates, giving Kenny and Vic time to trash talk him.) Street Heat, a Guardian with a side job on the Vice Squad for LAPD.

Kenny: What kind of Vice?

Vic: Ad-vice, Kenny. He stops kids from riding their bikes at night without reflective tape and light colors.

Kenny: That's bad! Now they know!

Vic: And knowing is half the battle. Whoa! He almost had it! (Mirage made it to the last one before it sank underneath him, causing him to fall.) Reflective tape won't save him now! The score is tied, 1-1!

Narrator: Coming up next: Pain! PAIN! And more PAIN!

(Commercial Break. BUY A SATURN! BUY LIFE INSURANCE! BUY GIRLS GONE WILD: TRIP TO KENNEBUNKPORT! Long for the days on 'Survivor' when Colby slept in an Aztec with his mom!)

Narrator: And now we're back with the good versus fun! (Back in the studio.)

Vic: Boy, this sure is different than our show. Not at all alike, huh?

Kenny: (Shaking his head sadly.) Guess not.

Vic: What's wrong Kenny?

Kenny: Where are all the babes, Vic? This is a sausage fest!

Vic: (Hits Kenny with fan.) Kenny! Robots don't HAVE sausages!

Kenny: That's not what The Iron Chef told me!

Vic: Anyway, onto the next challenge: Window Pain! (The competitor stands on a platform, wearing padding that Velcro can attach to. He/she takes a rope, swings across the pond, and tries to stick onto the huge Velcro backboard for the point. You lose if you fall into the pond right away due to a bad grip on the rope, or if you smack into the backboard or the lower padding near the pond and fail to stick.) First up, we have Fitor, a Renegade plane who's a big game taunter in Africa.

Kenny: Oh, he's shames lions out into the open with foul language!

Vic: Right Ken! (Starscream takes off wrong and lands in the mud with barely a splash. You can see Megatron yelling at him from the platform. Captain Tenneal tries to push him in using the contestants behind him, but Megatron sidesteps them and Mishap takes a tumble.) Girl goes down on Captain Tenneal! Nice! There's your chick, Kenny. (Kenny snorts.) Number one in command, but Number Two to everyone else is Cy-Kill, a dentist from Climax, Michigan-

Kenny: Actually he WORKS in that city and commutes. He's not far.

Vic: Not far from Climax? Kenny! (Shows Megatron swaying from the rope, hitting the top of the window dead on, failing to stick, and falling, back first, into the mud.) Cy-Kill is outta here!

Guy: (Interviewing a giggling Mishap) So you lost your turn because of that other guy?

Mishap: (Looking mad, not her real voice) I don't know where he gets off, thinking he can do that! I'm dripping wet!

Guy: If that's the case, let me help! (He reaches for her).

Mishap: No! Stay away from my lady-berries! Hee hee!

(Dubbed-in giggling as Guy tries to grope her.)

(Flashes to next contestant, Ironhide.)

Vic: Up for the Guardians we have Res-Q! (Ironhide yells "I'm not Ratchet!" but it's dubbed in "I love manjuice!") And it's a good thing he does! The water in that hole was donated by the free clinic down the street! (Ironhide sticks!) We have a sticky window spot! The Guardians pull ahead, 2-1!

Kenny: You forgot one last contestant, Vic. It's Leader-1, a Guardian from Manitoba!

Vic: What part?

Kenny: Who cares? (Optimus Prime bounces off the wall and lands in the muck.) Leader-1 is a big fat zero!

(At studio, Kenny has removed his weird hat-like thing and is surrounded by giggling geisha.)

Vic: Kenny...(Looks around) Kenny, where did all these women come from?

Kenny: I needed some chicks, Vic. These were at the Quicky-Mart.

Vic: I won't even ask. Our third challenge today is Boulder Dash!

(Boulder Dash: Run up a narrow walkway up a steep hill. The path is straight for the most part; except for near end where there is a slight turn to the right. At various points there are safety nooks for the contestants to hide from the 200 pound boulders which come rolling down the walkway. Blue-jumpsuited guys try to push you out of these hiding places. The object of the event is that the contestant tries to make it to the platform on the top of the hill to win. You lose if you get crushed by the boulder. You cannot lose if you get touched by the boulder or toss the boulder away.)

Captain Tenneal: (Blows whistle) Get it on!

Red Alert: (Not his voice) Cuff 'em and stuff 'em! AhGoochoochoochoochoochoo!

Vic: First up, from the Guardians, is Hans-Cuff, a professional restraint technician from Texas S & M. (Red Alert gets up and avoids the first boulder easily, making his way up the slope.)

Kenny: Hey! He was at the Quicky-Mart!

Vic: Probably so-Oh! He's gone! Our MAACO Collision Repair & Auto Painting Instant Replay shows he didn't have a chance once that boulder went down on him!

Kenny: (Snidely) I thought he was used to boulders bearing on him.

Grimlock: (Not dubbed at all) ME GRIMLOCK LIKE THIS SHOW! (Transforms into Dinobot mode, with NO protests from the judges, and walks up the mat, tossing boulders left and right, and a few jumpsuits for good measure.)

Vic: This is Guardian Ed "Wrong Way" Babaganoosh! He's a PR consultant for Jeopardy contestants. He makes sure they really ARE that boring. (Grimlock gets to the top and does a victory dance.) He made it! Guardians now lead 3-1!

Narrator: Don't lose it, log drop is up next!

(Commercial Break: WATCH SPIKE TV! SAVE BIG MONEY AT MENARD'S! HOT WOMEN WILL COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO HIT ON YOU IF YOU SHAVE WITH A GILETTE RAZOR!)

Narrator: The struggle stops here with log drop!

(The Log Drop: Seven logs of various heights, capable of rotation, stand between two platforms. The object is to skip from log to log until you reach the other platform to win. You lose if you fall into the water below the logs.

(At studio. The geisha are missing.)

Kenny: Vic! You took my chicks!

Vic: I had nothing to do with it. (Shows Skanky with all of the geisha surrounding him.) Skanky!

Kenny: (Pouting) He always gets the girls!

Vic: Our final challenge is the Log Drop! First contestant is Bugsie, a dog catcher from San Francisco, California.

Kenny: He sure loves the bitches! (Shrapnel falls forward on the third log, bending in half the wrong way and landing in the mud) So much for doggie style!

Vic: Right you are Kenny. Here we have Dozer, who has chosen to cross the logs in his transformed state. (Scrapper crosses successfully, until the last log, where he tips too quickly and bounces down, smashing the front of his payloader.) There he goes!

Kenny: Dozer was asleep at the wheel.

Soundwave: (At platform.) For Cybertron! (Dubbed in to say: My fly is open!)

Vic: Next up is Tank.

Kenny: Tank?

Vic: No idea. It doesn't matter, there he goes! (Soundwave slips and plunges through two logs, landing face first into the mud.) And the Guardians win against the Renegades, 3-1!

Kenny: Is it time YET?

Vic: Sure! It's time for Kenny's Blankenship's most PAINFUL ELIMINATIONS OF THE DAY!

Jeff: (Appearing on camera) Not quite.

Kenny: How did you get in here?

Jeff: I bribed Skanky. How did they do?

Vic: Man, robots are as dumb as humans!

Kenny: You said it Vic, and nowhere near as hot!

Jeff: (Nodding his head enthusiastically.) Think I can address them?

Vic and Kenny: Sure! (They take Jeff out of Takeshi's Castle in a tank to see the contestants waiting outside in a group. Skanky and the guys in blue jumpsuit follow.)

Jeff: Hello. (Looking at the Transformers. They are dirty, bedraggled, nasty-looking.) So...how did it go today?

(Shots of scowling, injured, MISERABLE robots.)

Jeff: (Smirking) I see. Now do you think I'm unfair? (They murmur 'no.') Mean? (They shake their heads). Sadistic?

Optimus: You had us at 'Hello.'

Megatron: (Nursing a detached arm.) We will obey your mandates, Probst. (Mutters) For now.

Jeff: Great! Now, because you have learned your lesson and promised to behave, I will give you a reward. We have Ratchet and Hook on-site to fix you up. (They groan in relief.) No one gets voted off today, but tomorrow is another story. (Turns to the tank.) Kenny? Vic?

Kenny: Glad this is over with. I hope you guys learned to never mess with a game-show host. What do we always say?

ALL: (Excepting robots; Grimlock participates) DON'T GET ELIMINATED!

Next Week: Back to normal...Or is it?


	5. Mixed Nuts

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on Survivor: (Pause) Well, (laughs) you had to be there.

Shots of the Transformers landing in the mud, getting hit with a boulder, running from Guy Le Douche.

Will they behave? Who will they vote off this week?

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with the first tribe.)

Decepticonniption (teal and white buff)

Megatron

Mishap

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Soundwave

Starscream

Autobotopea (pink and white buff)

Blurr

Cliffjumper

Grimlock

Ironhide

Mirage

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

Wheelie

**Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized**

DAY FOURTEEN

(Aerial shots of Decepticonniption at camp, in front of the fire, shell-shocked. Everyone agrees to turn in early. Shots of a full moon, which makes no sense, since in the previous shot we saw the moon in the background and it was a waning gibbous.)

_Megatron: (Psychology Professor) Jeff Probst may have won the battle, but _I_ will win the war! Nobody poorly dubs me and lives to tell about it!_

(Shots of glorious sunrise, with moon near the horizon in a waxing crescent.)

_Red Alert: (Suicide hotline operator, pink buff is wrapped around his wrist) I had a bad feeling about today. Granted, I have a bad feeling about everyday. Today is different, even though I feel better now that all of that sand is out of my gears and I got to shave, and Cliffjumper is gone...(shots of everyone playing tag in the ocean, except for Ironhide, who's working on the fire, and Red Alert, who is stacking firewood.) Camp is a little easier to bear, but dread overshadows everything I do._

Mirage: We have treemail!

Optimus Prime: (Drinking his ration of energon from a coconut half with the others.Again, we pretend the coconuts are robot-sized.) What does it say?

Mirage: One word: "Ch-ch-changes!"

Wheelie: How absurd! That's not a word!

Mirage (Looking irritated at Wheelie.) That's all it says. (Passes it around for all to see.)

Grimlock: (Holding it upside down) TREEMAIL IS STUPID! US AUTOBOTS HAVE RADIO FREQUENCIES! JUST TELL US TO COME OVER AND WE DO!

Mirage: You know, he has a point. Why do we have to walk to the challenges, too? The humans get to ride in air-conditioned SUV's!

Ironhide: Hush. Tha layst thing we need is fer another gayme show host to git us.

REWARD CHALENGE

(Shots of magnificent bats hanging upside down, a crab scuttling along the beach, an aerial shot swooping down to Jeff in his new Survivor: Earth hat (now available on e-bay). He waves the two tribes onto their designated mats.)

Jeff: How was last night?

Others: Good. Good. Soundwave still snores. OK.

Jeff: Today is a momentous occasion for all of you. Drop your buffs. (Armor falls around them.) I said BUFFS!

Optimus, Mishap, Mirage: Sorry. (Put their chestplates back on.)

Jeff: As you drop your TRIBAL BUFFS, (Decepticonniption all had theirs as left armbands, Autobotopea's varied.) you will notice the board ahead of me. (He gestures to an area we did not see in the aerial shot, for some reason. It is basically a robot-sized chessboard, with dark and light-colored wooden panels.) Pick a square to stand on.

Motormaster: I know what's coming! Decepticons, pick ONLY light colored squares in the same column and row as me, or we will be separated!

Jeff: No talking! Pick a square. (Both tribes heed Motormaster's words and pick squares they think will keep them in the same tribe. Jeff is visibly annoyed.) I hope you're all eating crow tonight. Now, pick up the tile you are standing on. Your new tribal buff should be underneath it!

(Shots of them doing that and their reactions. They are looking around to see who is with them, who is not. Some are happy. Some are ticked.)

Red Alert: This is a set up!

Jeff: I said no talking! Now, come over to the mat that corresponds with your new buff!

**Author's note: I put names into a hat and drew them out. There were no switches, no alterations. This is how it came out.**

New Decepticonniption (in order of appearance from the hat)

Megatron

Ironhide

Scrapper

Rumble

Wheelie

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

New Autobotopea (in order of appearance from the hat)

Grimlock

Motormaster

Mirage

Shrapnel

Mishap

Soundwave

Starscream

(Shots of uncomfortable new tribes eyeing each other. Jeff grins.)

Jeff: Well, you all need time to get acquainted. Go to your new tribes, your stuff is waiting for you, as well as a surprise.

(Zoom out, music swells, we go to commercial for e-bay. Once the kid is finished slaughtering Dean Martin, we come back to see Autobotopea arriving at camp. Various gasps of surprise and happiness.)

_Mirage: (White House Intern, buff as a headscarf.) We arrived at camp to see a feast laid out for us._

(Shots of energon cubes, oil, batteries, Turtle Wax for their bodies, new sparkplugs, glass cleaner for their eyes, etc. artfully arraigned on a table. All brought to you by Turtle Wax. They make pigs out of themselves. WAY too many shots of robots eating. Over at Decepticonniption, the atmosphere is a little more formal.)

_Ironhide: (Country musician, new teal buff as an armband.) It felt strange havin Megatrahn on our trahbe. I thought he and Prahme would be fightin' the whole tahme but they seem to be doin' OK._

(Decepticonniptions take turns, share, ration themselves, save some for later. This is a HUGE difference from the orgy we just saw at Autobotopea.)

_Red Alert: (Suicide hotline operator, new teal buff as a tube top) I don't trust anybody! This game is driving me insane! I was doing fine, until we switched! Now what do I do?_

Megatron: New Decepticonniptions, whatever you knew over at your other tribe is null. This tribe is under martial law, and I'm the marshal! You will recognize me as your new leader. Obey my orders or suffer the consequences! (Ironhide, aghast, looks at Optimus. Optimus slowly nods.) 

_Optimus Prime: (High school guidance counselor, new teal buff worn around leg) Megatron has to be KIDDING! Why doesn't he just put a huge target on his back and let us start shooting now? Sure we'll let you think you're supreme ruler, but the minute I'm at tribal counsel, you are going DOWN!_

(Back at Autobotopea, Shrapnel is eating all the palm trees he can find. He moves to one of the trees outside of camp, but nobody cares. Starscream is at the fire with a few others, telling them the story of the time Megatron lost favorite duckie, and how Blinky the Loviest Pillbug in the Universe got it back. (Construction worker, new pink buff worn as a headdress) I can't believe I'm not with Scrapper . I have to start from scratch! With STARSCREAM! This is insane!

_Starscream: (Julliard instructor, new pink buff worn as wristband) I hate this color. Pink is too femme. This tribe is full of savages, including that blundering idiot Grimlock, who fortunately spends all of his time keeping Shrapnel out of our hair. (Shots of Grimlock leading Shrapnel around to the plantain trees, where he can eat the fruit, leaves, and trunk itself and bother no one.) I am concerned about Mishap. (Shots of her at the banquet talking a mile a minute to Mirage.) She and her brother share a bond that may threaten my alliance to her. I wish he'd stop calling her 'Oasis.'_

_Mirage: (White House Intern, new pink buff around his leg.) It's so good so see Oasis here! When we went to get water, the first thing she wanted to do was include me in her alliance. Good thing: my alliance is on the other tribe, and who knows how long Megatron will keep them on there? (Shots of Starscream, Mishap and Mirage on the beach, and Starscream shaking his hand.) I don't trust them, but I'll see how far they'll take me before I go back to my original alliance._

DAY FIFTEEN

(Shots of a rabbit wandering around Decepticonniption's empty camp. Suddenly, the whole tribe is marching back from collecting firewood and singing 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.' Everyone has their buffs around their necks.)

_Wheelie: (Student, new teal buff still around his neck.) Wheelie thinks this tribe is fun! He's starting to like everyone!_

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Cameras swoop in on Jeff, and drums sound.)

Jeff: How are you getting along with your new tribes?

Transformers: (Shrugs) It's OK, I hate you Probst, I'm having fun, etc.

Jeff: I hope you don't miss your old tribemates, because today...you're playing coconut dodgeball. Each tribe has to throw coconuts at the other tribe in their turn. Anyone you hit is out. Then it's their turn. The last tribe standing wins immunity. (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Any questions? (There are none.) Today, we have a special guest musicians: Steelworks! (Camera moves to two guys with steel drums, another guy with a bass guitar, and a drummer.) They will be providing the music as you throw.

Musician # 1: Any requests? (No answer.) OK. Guys, set 'Tough Crowd.' (Begins with the steeldrum classic 'Yellow Bird'.)

Jeff: Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!

(Autobotopea is throwing first. The don't aim for anyone in particular, making their projectiles scattered. The coconuts are easily avoided.)

Starscream: This isn't working! We need a plan!

Megatron: I've got one: throw at him! (Coconut milk bursts all over Starscream as Steelworks begins their own nifty version of 'Smack My Bitch Up.')

Starscream: Eww! Avenge me!

Mishap: Riiight. Get Optimus Prime first!

(Optimus sees the coconuts coming for him and bends WAY back on his knee joints. To further spoof The Matrix, bullet-time photography is used. We see the coconuts swoosh by him, excepting the one that hits him on the kneecap.)

Jeff: Prime is out!

(Decepticonniption is next. They throw at Mishap, who jumps in the air (you guessed it), shoulders arched, legs bents, and kicks the coconuts away.)

Jeff: You can't do that! If you touch them, you are out! Autobotopea, go! (Turns to band.) Play something less likely to incite a movie spoof!

(Steelworks starts playing 'Lord, You Have Come to the Lakeshore.')

Jeff: NO HYMNS!

Musician #1: You give us no requests, we play what we want.

Jeff: No accents? What part of Jamaica are you guys from?

Musician #2: Seven Mile and Dequindre.

Mishap: You're from Detroit!

Musician #3: Yeah! Well, Maq's from Dearborn.

Drummer: Hey. (Waves stick.) Where are you from?

Mishap (A little uncomfortable.) A little farther north than that.

Musician #1: (The band looks knowingly at each other.) Rochester chick. This one's for you, honey! (They play 'Like a Virgin.')

Grimlock: ME GET MADONNA JOKE, BUT ME NOT CARE! (Hits Scrapper with a coconut.)

Jeff: Well I do! Forget what I said earlier! Play the 'Theme from Saturday Night Fever.' (The bass player really gets into it.)

Ironhide: This is the eynd, Grimlahk! (All throw their coconuts at him, but the music is distracting, so they throw them at random intervals. Grimlock avoids the first one by punching his fist in the air above him, the second by putting it on the opposite side of his waist, the third by turning, the fourth by quickly squatting, the fifth by doing a toe-touch, the others by moving his hips out of the way accordingly.)

Jeff: Oh brother. (Steelworks plays 'N 2 Gether Now.') Hey! That's cool! (Does a geeky dance.)

(Autobotopea takes on Rumble, who does a bunch of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon stuff and avoids being hit.)

Rumble: Hey! No fair! They have a cleaner side!

Shrapnel: (Who ate all the coconuts.) I didn't want anyone to trip, trip! Allow me to fix your side, side! (He gets bonked with a coconut.) Should have known, known!

(This continues until Decepticonniption has Megatron alone and Mirage and Soundwave for Autobotopea. Steelworks is playing 'P.I.M.P'.)

Soundwave: (Throws coconut at Megatron with Mirage.) Target impacted.

Megatron: Not so fast! (Holds up hand, coconuts stop mid-air.) I saw that movie, too. (Coconuts drop into the sand. He fakes a throw and gets Mirage.) Too easy. Now it's your turn.

Soundwave: Not fair! He's my leader!

Jeff: Throw the coconut, Gilligan! (Soundwave gives a half-hearted throw, misses Megatron, gets hit.) Decepticonniption wins immunity! (Steelworks plays 'We Are the Champions' and the Decepticonniptions Cabbage-Patch around the immunity idol.)

(Back at Autobotopea camp, negotiations are in full swing.)

Starscream: That obsolete tape deck ruined our chance! He's out of here!

_Soundwave: (Host of TRL, pink buff wrapped around neck like Decepticonniptions.) Ejection, inevitable. Apathy, high. Miss tapes._

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: (Nods his head in greeting as the scary music plays.) Welcome, everyone. Have a seat. (They sit on giant wooden benches.) So, Shrapnel, how do you like your new team?

Shrapnel: No difference, difference.

Starscream: What! You traitor!

Jeff: Hush! I talk here, not you. You'd know that if you came to tribal council when you should have.

Motormaster: Do you have to keep bringing that up?

Jeff: All right, that's it! I'm calling Pat Sajak!

Others: NO!

Jeff: Then are you willing to co-operate? (They nod.) Good. Grimlock, you go vote first.

(Grimlock goes over to the voting table and spends a few moments writing. He holds his vote up to show a drawn tape player.)

Grimlock: SORRY, SOUNDWAVE. THE LESS OF YOU, THE BETTER CHANCE ME GRIMLOCK HAVE.

(Montage of scary music and voting, but no other votes are shown. Soundwave is last to go.)

Jeff: I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal counsel area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote: "Starscream". Second vote: "Soundwave." "Soundwave." Two votes Soundwave, one vote Starscream. "Soundwave." "Soundwave." This must be Grimlock's. Can we all agree it's Soundwave? (They nod, except for Soundwave. His face remains expressionless.) Five votes Soundwave, one vote Starscream. Third Survivor to be voted off: (Shows vote.) "Soundwave." (Sad music plays. Soundwave grabs his torch. Jeff, who has been standing on a large platform, declares that the tribe has spoken and extinguishes Soundwave's torch.) The rest of you, get back to camp. Get to know your new tribemates. You never know when you'll need them.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

Things get fowl.

Soundwave: (As Credits roll, we see everyone voting Soundwave off, except for Soundwave.) Tapes: returned. Relief. Win, Megatron!


	6. Mike Falls into the Fire

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" Tribes were scrambled and alliances were re-considered (shots of Grimlock and Shrapnel getting along, Starscream shaking Mirage's hand.) After coconut dodgeball, Soundwave was sent packing (Shots of Soundwave leaving.) What will happen next?

**Author's note: I will run the standard beginning but for the sake of keeping track of everything I will provide the new list of tribe members.**

New Decepticonniption (Teal and white striped buff)

Megatron

Ironhide

Scrapper

Rumble 

Wheelie

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

New Autobotopea (Pink with white polka dot buff)

Grimlock

Motormaster

Mirage

Shrapnel

Mishap

Soundwave

Starscream

**Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized**

DAY SEVENTEEN

(Nightvision shots of New Autobotopea returning from camp.)

_Motormaster: (Construction worker, buff is a wristband) They voted off Soundwave, the only other guy who didn't have an alliance. I do NOT have an alliance with any of them! This bites. Now I'll have to join with that two-faced Starscream for protection_.

(We move to a lovely sunrise and morning at Autobotopea. Starscream comes out of the shelter.)

Starscream: Where are Shrapnel, Grimlock, and Motormaster?

Mishap: (Pouring water into energon converter) Getting more firewood.

Starscream: (Walking away) Humph. Shrapnel will bring none back. Mark my words.

Mishap: Why did Mo-(energon converter explodes) AUGH!

Starscream: Mishap! (Picks her up and, under cameraman's direction runs to First Aid's tent further in the jungle.)

(Shots of Decepticonniption, where Optimus is conversing with Ironhide)

Optimus Prime: You want to throw the challenge so that we can oust the Decepticons?

Ironhide: It's tha only way, Prahme. They outnumber us ayte t' six. What if the Autobotopea voted off another Autobot?

Optimus: You may be right. We'll wait and see. Right now, I'd rather work on my tan.

_Ironhide: (Country musician, teal buff worn as a headband) Prahme ignored ma warnin.' He'll be sorry when we're voted off and Megatron wins! What's gotten inta him, anyway? He hasn't been this irrasponsible since afore he got tha Matrix! (Various shots of Prahme, I mean, Prime, lounging about, doing nothing, mostly sleeping. His buff changes place to illustrate the passage of time.)_

Scrapper: (Emerging from woods with a letter and an armload of chickenwire, wooden slats, and tools.) We have treemail! And a task!

"Like C. Everett's parents, you must make a coop! Do it wrong, you are a stupe! Get reward, chickens you'll board!"

Rumble: We have to make a chicken coop? What do robots do with chickens?

Megatron: Autobotopea can have the poultry! I have a better use for these materials!

(Back at Autobotopea Mirage has arrived at First Aid's tent with the converter, Shrapnel, Motormaster, Grimlock, and Jeff Probst.)

Jeff: What happened?

Mirage: (holding up converter) See these tiny teeth marks? A rabbit gnawed through the circuits, causing it to malfunction!

Starscream: WHAT! (To Probst) What kind of place have you taken us to? This could have been prevented if you hadn't put us out here to be killed by these stupid rodents! Half of her armor is burnt off! It's eating her circuits! This is all YOUR fault!

Jeff: Why didn't you put it up at night?

First Aid: Everybody OUT! I'm calling her to be airlifted to the mainland!

Mishap: (So soft she's subtitled.) Guys?

Autobotopea: Yeah?

Mishap: Kick their afts today.

Grimlock: WE WILL.

Fist Aid: Here comes the chopper! (It lands and gets ready to lift her.)

Mishap: (Looking at Starscream and Mirage, who are standing together.) I love you.

Mirage and Starscream: I know. (Both look at the other, surprised. Mishap is lifted out before they can argue.)

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Shots of everyone at camp, looking glum. Motormaster is reading the treemail.)

Motormaster: "Like C. Everett's parents, you must make a coop! Do it wrong, you are a stupe! Get reward, chickens you'll board!"

_Mirage: (White House intern, pink buff is a band around his leg) I'm worried about Oasis. We agreed, as a tribe, to beat Decepticonniption for her, and move on. I hope we can. It hasn't been easy. Starscream's spent all day pacing._

_Starscream: (Julliard Instructor, pink buff is worn as a neckband) I have lost my most potent ally. Now I have to regroup. Cursed rabbits! I knew they'd be trouble._

Shrapnel: (Wood in his hands.) We need no chickens, chickens. I'll take care of these raw materials, materials.

Grimlock: (Taking wood away from Shrapnel before he eats it.) NO WAY! ME GRIMLOCK LOVE CHICKENS! ME GRIMLOCK MAKE COOP! WE WIN, LIKE WE PROMISE MISHAP!

(Autobotopea exchange glances.)

Mirage: Why not? (Others shrug.) Are you any good at construction, Grimlock? (Grimlock nods.)

Motormaster: I heard Grimlock built Computron.

Starscream: (Watching Grimlock building a coop in a frenzy of excitement. The chickenwire gets tangled around him.) Over my dead body.

(Commercial break: BUY PRINGLES OR OSAMA WINS! Hey, it worked for Dick Cheney.)

(Zoom in shots of Decepticonniption. Megatron is working on something metal. The chicken coop materials surround him. Jeff Probst comes up in his gunboat.)

Jeff: Have you built the coop?

Megatron: (Ignoring Jeff) Shockwave, come in! Shockwave! (All you hear is a faint cheering noise, and someone yelling "Goooooooooooooal!") Stupid Telemundo! (He kicks the machine and it implodes.) Augh! Probst, where did you get this thing? Someone could loose an optic!

Jeff: (Looking guilty for a second.) Was that the energon converter?

Megatron: I wanted to make a high-frequency radio to tell Shockwave where I am so he could come and get me!

Optimus Prime: (Coming out of the woods with a container of water.) You want to QUIT?

Megatron: No...I just miss him, that's all. (He sees Optimus' look.) What?

(Others come out from where Prime was, carrying water as well.)

Scrapper: Where's the energon converter?

Jeff: Your fearless leader blew it up. You didn't build a chicken coop. You win nothing. I'll give the new batteries to Autobotopea. I'm off. (Jumps into the gunboat)

Megatron: You said nothing of batteries! Die, Probst! (Points his arm, realizes his ion cannon is gone, and stomps into the woods in a huff.)

Red Alert: He's trying to kill us! Without energon, we'll be dead for sure! I KNEW this switch was a bad idea! Did anybody listen, nooooo-

Optimus: Shut up!

Ironhide: Prahme!

Optimus: I'm sick of his paranoia! He's ticking me off!

Ironhide: That's no way t' talk t' him!

Optimus: I'm getting sick of YOU too!

(Fight degrades into shouting. The others watch.)

_Rumble: (Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist, buff worn as a tube top) I think an alliance is going to tumble. This is good for us! The moment those two split up I went up to Optimus and talked to him. Thought I could cut a deal._

DAY EIGHTEEN

(Shots of Autobotopea, looking at Grimlock's coop. It has an exercise wheel, a bed, fully stocked bar, etc.)

Shrapnel: It's amazing, amazing!

Jeff: It is! You win new batteries, brought to you by Duracell! (Cheers around him.) You also, because Grimlock asked nicely, get this chicken. (He puts it in the coop.)

Grimlock: I NAME HIM SUPERPECKER!

Starscream: That's the most moronic name I have ever heard! Besides, chickens are female!

Mirage: (Laughing) Let him call it whatever he wants. Welcome, Superpecker!

Jeff: Here's some food for her. Change her hay every few days. I'll see you tomorrow for the Immunity Challenge.

DAY NINETEEN : IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Both tribes arrive, Jeff watches them come in with a solemn face. He is in front of a large wall of Pringles cans.)

Jeff: I forgot to tell Decepticonniption yesterday, but Autobotopea not only lost Soundwave, but Mishap had an accident.

Starscream: The rabbits got her.

Rumble: No!

Jeff: I would like to officially state that it was not the fault of our energon converter company, who shall remain nameless. GE. Moving on: today you are going to attempt the amazing: Behind this "Pringles Wall of Selling your Soul to Capitalism" is your immunity challenge. (Sweeping shots of puzzle pieces scattered around, and two robot-sized lifeguard chairs.) You are shutting your optics off, getting blindfolded, and one tribemember sits on the chair and tells you where to go to get the puzzle pieces. Once you have all twelve pieces, I allow you to see and assemble the puzzle. Decepticonniption, you must sit two people out. Any questions? (None) Decepticonniption, who is sitting out? Wheelie and Rumble? Megatron is instructing you? Autobotopea, who's doing the calling? (Snicker) Starscream?

Megatron: This I have to see!

Starscream: (Climbing up to the chair.) Watch and learn, Mega-bum!

Jeff: You are playing for the immunity idol: (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe _TM _with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!

Starscream: Grimlock, 5 paces ahead, turn 50 degrees right, four paces, stop! Mirage, 20 paces at 35 degrees left, stop! Motormaster, go ahead...ninety paces. You will go down and up two inclines, and hit the beach. When you feel the water, stop!

Megatron: Forward! No, not you, YOU! The red one! Prime, stop! (Optimus runs into Grimlock, head first, and falls over.)

Starscream: Step over him Grimlock, and go twelve paces twenty degrees left! Shrapnel, there is a fallen tree between you and the puzzle piece! Eat for two minutes and reach out, the piece will be in your grasp! Motormaster, wade ahead for 45 seconds and stop! There should be a piece in front of you!

Megatron: Look out, Scrapper! (Scrapper falls over a piece and lays on the sand, indignant.)

Scrapper: I need better direction than that!

Megatron: Stand up, you fool! Prime, there's a piece to your left! No, your other left!

Starscream: Mirage, twenty degrees forward, reach out, you will go three steps around a large rock, go ninety degrees left, walk-

Mirage: Hold on! (Goes around rock while Starscream gives orders to Grimlock.) OK. (Starscream resumes.)

(Grimlock returns a piece, is sent out again. Motormaster comes back with two pieces, nearly runs into the lifeguard stand. Scrapper trips, falls, and takes Red Alert with him.)

Red Alert: You did that on purpose! You WANT me to fail-

Optimus: (From lake, past his piece.) Shut up!

Ironhide: (_Way_ off course) YOU SHUT UP, PRAHME!

Jeff: The only people talking should be the ones in the chairs! Autobotopea has six pieces, Decepticonniption has...uh, well...

Megatron: Ironhide is almost here with one! (Ironhide falls over while Grimlock, Mirage, Shrapnel, and Motormaster deposit five more pieces for Autobotopea.)

Starscream: We still have one more piece! (Starscream stands up and looks around.) Jeff, it's not here!

Jeff: Yes it is!

Starscream: Who can see fifty meters clearly and who can't see how ugly he looks in that hat?

Jeff: I personally oversaw the placement of the -You're right, it's gone! (He looks around.)

Starscream: I told you so! (To camera) Is it too late to get Ben Stein to host this?

Jeff: There it is! Ironhide had it!

Megatron: So we have none?

Starscream: Motormaster, ninety degrees right, ten paces, grab it!

Jeff: You can take your blindfolds off, Autobotopea, now that you have all six. (Autobotopea puts it together quickly, thanks to Grimlock.) Autobotopea wins immunity! (Shots of Starscream leaping off of the tower, chest butting Motormaster, Grimlock doing a dance. Mirage grabs the immunity idol, G.I. Joe _TM _with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) Megatron, you look a little upset.

Megatron: I never thought my underling would supercede my skills at delegation.

Starscream: Never underestimate the accuracy of your Air Force Commander.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: (Nods his head in greeting as the scary music plays.) Welcome, everyone. Have a seat. (They sit on giant wooden benches.) So, Optimus, what happened when you got back to camp?

Optimus Prime: Nothing. We sat around the fire and talked about our favorite Cybertronian hobbies.

Jeff: Did anyone negotiate? (They shook their heads. Jeff looks puzzled.) Weird. Shrapnel, do you have a strong alliance?

Shrapnel: The best, the best.

Jeff: Megatron, are you doubting any of your abilities?

Megatron: No.

Jeff: (Surprised.) No?

Megatron: Did I stutter?

Jeff: (Sigh.) Ironhide, go ahead.

(Ironhide goes over to the voting table and scribbles quickly. His vote is not shown. Montage of scary music and voting. Rumble goes next, voting for Red Alert.)

Rumble: See ya, freak!

(Scrapper is the last, voting for Red Alert.)

Scrapper: Now I can go offline and not be woken up every five minutes with you screaming that you sense a rabbit.

Jeff: I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote: "Red Alert". Second vote: "Red Alert." "Megatron." Two votes Red Alert, one vote Megatron. "Red Alert." (Red Alert looks depressed.) Three votes Red Alert, one vote Megatron. (Unfolds a vote.) Fourth Survivor to be voted off: (Shows vote.) "Red Alert." (Sad music plays. Red Alert grabs his torch.) Red Alert, the tribe has spoken. (He extinguishes Red Alert's torch.) Interesting how there were no discrepancies about this council. Did you guys talk at all to each other about this? (They shake their heads.) He didn't negotiate with any of you? That's interesting. Or...not. Anyway, get out of here. Tomorrow's another day.

(music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

Jeff Probst demands a pay cut; working with the Transformers is joy enough!

(As credits roll, showing everybody voting him off. Red Alert cries. "I knew it! They were out to get me! I hate them all!")


	7. Grimlock in the Sky with Sea Bass

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" An accident at Autobotopea relieved their tribe of another member. (Shots of Mishap being airlifted away.) Promising Mishap victory, Autobotopea did just that with a great chicken coop and superior management from Starscream during the blindfold challenge. Decepticonniption didn't have a chance. (Shots of Decepticonniption running into each other.) Red Alert was sent packing. Who's going home this week?

**Author's note: I will run the standard beginning but for the sake of keeping track of everything I am providing the new list of tribe members.**

New Decepticonniption (Teal and white striped buff)

Megatron

Ironhide

Scrapper

Rumble

Wheelie

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

New Autobotopea (Pink with white polka dot buff)

Grimlock

Motormaster

Mirage

Shrapnel

Mishap

Soundwave

Starscream

**Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized**

DAY EIGHTEEN

(Shots of clouds rolling in, rain falling. Autobotopea has a superior cover over their fire, Decepticonniption has a shoddy one. The rain keeps falling.)

_Scrapper: (Truck driver, buff is like a headdress. He has a five o'clock shadow.) It has rained ALL day. Everything is soaked. Nobody has any patience for anybody else. We had no idea the worst was yet to come. (Shots of tribe, especially the former Autobotopea members, huddled together, miserable.) Wheelie has lost his mind. All he says now are Beatles lyrics._

Wheelie: Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody, Help! You know, I need someone. HELP!

Optimus: WHAT?

Wheelie: (Gestures to dead fire.) In her eyes you see nothing, no sign of love behind the tears.

Optimus: Does it matter? Megatron broke the energon converter. You know...(voice lowering to levels requiring subtitles) we should lose him. Because of him we lost the last two challenges. I've noticed the grip he has on this tribe. We have to throw some challenges and get rid of him.

Ironhide : Ah told ya so, Prahme, but ya ignored me!

Optimus: Are you in or out?

Ironhide: Ah'm in.

Optimus: (Looking at Wheelie) well?

Wheelie: Yes it is, it's true.

(Shots over to a water-logged Autobotopea)

_Motormaster: (Construction worker, buff is like a tube top.) Autobotowhatever is flooded. I can't go offline if I'm not sure whether or not I'll short-circuit when I come back on. At least we still have batteries. And Starscream as entertainment._

Starscream: I did not authorize that stupid chicken to come in here!

Grimlock: (Holding his chicken.) SUPERPECKER DOES NOT LIKE GETTING WET. ME GRIMLOCK WANT HIM DRY.

_Mirage: (White House Intern, buff worn as a headdress) Starscream, for your own self preservation, let go of the chicken, stop getting involved with it, stop talking about it. Stop making a big spectacle when Grimlock carries it around; it's just too much. All you are doing is giving Grimlock a reason to come after you_.

Starscream: (Glaring at Grimlock.) I don't want a chicken in this shelter! (Catches the Dinobot mumbling something.) Do you have some kind of problem?

GRIMLOCK: YES, ME GRIMLOCK HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU STARSCREAM'S ATTITUDE! STOP TALKING ABOUT ME GRIMLOCK'S CHICKEN!

Starscream: It's disgusting! (Waves finger in Grimlock's face as he yells.) Get rid of your slagging chicken!

Grimlock: YOU STARSCREAM NO WAG YOUR FINGER IN ME GRIMLOCK'S FACE!

Starscream: I will always wag my finger in your face!

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SICK OF YOU STARSCREAM! ME GRIMLOCK AND SUPERPECKER GO OUTSIDE, RAIN IS OVER!

_Starscream: (Julliard Instructor, buff around wrist) I have never liked Grimlock from the beginning, and everyone knows that. I am going to come at him with guns loaded._

DAY NINETEEN: REWARD CHALLENGE

(Aerial shots down to Jeff.)

Jeff: Welcome, Autobotopea! Notice who's gone from Decepticonniption?

Mirage: Red Alert is gone!

Jeff: Right! Are you ready for your reward challenge? (They nod.) OK, here we go! Today, you are jumping the shark for a simple reward: immunity!

Scrapper: We're jumping a what!

Megatron: We are jumping the shark. (Under his breath.) Just like this show.

Jeff: No, not really. Sharks are endangered species. The Sharkticons wanted money, none of the shark actors could be hired because they have been banned from SAG over a "biting incident." All we could get were mutated sea bass.

Motormaster: Are they ill-tempered?

Jeff: Yes. We are also using this to our advantage. What I want each of you to do is for alternating tribe members to jump over this ramp onto the other side. The sea bass will try to bite and hold onto you. When you get to the other side, put all of the fish biting you into the barrel over there. If you fall in, or the fish fall in, it doesn't count. You can't go in after them, GRIMLOCK. If you fall in, you're done. Any questions? (There are none.) You are trying to win this for immunity. Decepticonniptions, you have to sit someone out. Last time was Rumble and Wheelie. (Ironhide sits out.) YOU CANNOT USE YOUR ANTI-GRAVITY. Survivors ready? (Raises right arm. Switches to left arm) Go!

(First off is Starscream. He is not used to jumping, so he does a terrible job and lands with a SPLASH!)

Jeff: Starscream is OUT!

Starscream: (Coming out with fish nipping at his wings.) Out and ready to kill.

Jeff: Megatron goes next. (Megatron leaps over, with three sea bass stuck on him.) Good job! Next, Mirage. (Mirage gets four.) OK, good! Wheelie...

Wheelie: (To himself) I am the egg man, they are the egg men...(He squints his eyes shut, leaps over) I am the Waaaaaaalrusss! (He lands horrobly on the other side but gets no fish.) I think a no, I mean a yes, but it's all wrong. (Sighs.) Look at all the lonely people.

Jeff: Motormaster, you're next! (Motormaster falls in.) That was easy.

Motormaster: I need to be in truck form! (He emerged with a sea bass on his nose. He pulls it off.)

Jeff: Optimus, take it away! (Optimus Prime takes a wild leap, landing on the other side COVERED with fish.)

Megatron: Prime! You got the touch! (Helps him put the fish in the barrel.)

Optimus Prime: I got the power.

Starscream: Shut up!

Jeff: Next is Scrapper! (Scrapper falls in.) A lot of Decepticons having problems with this particular challenge. Shrapnel, you're doing it for Autobotopea. (Shrapnel, too, lands covered with fish.) Very good! (Shots of each barrel. It looks close.) Rumble, go ahead! (Rumble misses the mark.) OK, Grimlock, you're the last one. (Grimlock flies over, arms outstretched, yell loud. When he lands there is nothing uncovered. Autobotopea fills, then overflows, their barrel, outdoing the almost-full barrel of Decepticonniption.) Autobotopea wins immunity! (Jeff gestures to the G.I. Joe TM with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick. Grimlock gabs it and spins it like a drum major's mace.) OK, here's the big catch: Decepticonniption, you don't even go to tribal council. You decide, right here and now, who gets to go.

(Commercial Break. WU-TANG FINANCIAL HAS ALL OF YOUR LONG-TERM FINANCIAL PLANNING NEEDS READY AND AVAILABLE! DRINK SAM JACKSON BEER!)

Jeff: (To the camera) For those of you who have just joined us to watch "The Apprentice," you still have half an hour and you're on the wrong channel! (Cameras pan over to Decepticonniption, who are in a huddle. Violent arguing is occurring) Decepticonniption, have you decided who you want to vote off? (They nod.) Who is it?

Decepticonniption: Wheelie!

Jeff: Wheelie, the tribe has spoken.

Wheelie: (Sigh.) Take a sad song, and make it better. (Glares at Optimus.) Why tell me why did you not treat me right?

Optimus: Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.

Jeff: Go ahead back to camp, we have another challenge tomorrow. Oh, guys? (They turn to look at him.) I had a new sponsor, not GE-I mean, not the nameless company, give you and Autobotopea new generators. These don't run on fire, they're gas-powered. Try to keep the fire, for appearance's sake. (They nod.)

DAY TWENTY

(Autobotopea is scattered. Mirage comes back with treemail.)

Mirage: "You may think you are out of the woods but you're not. This challenge will take everything that you got! The weight of the world, on your shoulders it's there, but being voted off will be the burden hardest to bear!" ANOTHER immunity challenge?

Starscream: Maybe we can get rid of Chicken Boo over there tonight! (He jerks a thumb over to Grimlock, who has the chicken on his lap and is singing softly to it.)

_Motormaster: (Construction worker, buff is wrapped around wrist.) Starscream is getting on my nerves. If we lose this to fulfill his private desire to lose our strongest teammate, I'm PERSONALLY leading the campaign to get rid of him._

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

Jeff: Welcome back already! I'll take that! (Jeff retrieves the immunity idol, G.I. Joe _TM _with K'ung Fu grip superglued to a stick.) So, Autobotopea, notice who's missing?

Motormaster: Wheelie!

Jeff: You're right. The former Autobotopea tribe is shrinking. (Realization dawns on both Mirage and Ironhide's faces at the same time. Optimus remains blank.) Welcome to your second immunity challenge. You are going to be weighed down! (Shots move to cranes holding weights overhead.) You will each have a platform to hold up. These platforms will start with a metric ton of lead, which you will hold for an hour. Next, we will be adding another metric ton. And so forth. The last survivor standing wins immunity for his team. Because your team numbers are even, you will not have anyone sitting out. Any questions? (There are none.) get your platforms hoisted up. Survivors ready? (Turns to crane operators.) Drop 'em!

(The metric ton takes out Rumble, Shrapnel, and Mirage immediately. After an hour, the other robots seem fine. A second ton is added. Starscream folds, dropping his platform but missing anyone's feet, in spite of his best efforts. Another hour passes.)

Jeff: Scrapper holding his own against the bigger robots! Drop another ton! (Ironhide is taken out. Another hour passes. Another ton goes on.Scrapper folds. Another hour later, another ton and Motormaster collapses.) Down to the bigwigs! Grimlock, Optimus Prime, and Megatron! Drop another ton! (Optimus buckles but does not drop. Megatron fizzles out after half an hour.) Down to one from each tribe, and they're starting to psych each other out!

Grimlock: YOU OPTIMUS PRIME WEAK! ME GRIMLOCK STRONG!

Optimus: You Grimlock forget I have The Autobot Matrix of Leadership! I have the strength of all the old leaders!

Grimlock: OLD IS KEY WORD! WHERE WAS MATRIX WHEN YOU OPTIMUS COULD NOT RAISE WASHINGTON MONUMENT! YOU NEEDED ME GRIMLOCK!

Optimus: I had it fine! I got shot by that incapacitating ray, that's all.

Grimlock: YOU OPTIMUS FULL OF EXCUSES!

Optimus: You're full of something, you half-built-(turns to face him, drops load onto sand.)

Jeff: Autobotopea wins immunity! (Grimlock does a victory roar, others run up and hug him. He's still holding the metal.) Grimlock, you can put the platform down. (He places it gently next to him.) Well, Decepticonniption, this time you DO have to go to tribal council. See you later.

_Ironhide: (Country Musician, buff is wrapped around his neck.) Prahme has gone aginst ev'ry alliance he has mayde. Ahm done fer unless Ah git someone on my side._

_Scrapper: (Truck Driver, buff is worn around his leg.) I had to align myself with Megatron. He promised me a spot in the final four, which is fine with me. The only question I have now is do we fry Ironhide or Prime first?_

Ironhide: (Catching up to Scrapper.) Hey, Scrapper? Do ya got a minute?

Scrapper: Sure.

Ironhide: Ah want ya t' know that ya kin trust me complately. Ah want t' be on yer side.

Scrapper: Really?

Ironhide: Yeah. If we stick this together we could go father than whatever Megatron, who cares only about himself, can take us.

Scrapper: I am glad you told me this, it's a relief. I tell ya (lowers to subtitles) I don't trust Megatron at ALL. He promised Rumble a spot on the final two and has said NOTHING to me about it. I want to get him out of here the next chance I get. Does Prime feel the same way?

Ironhide: Ah think so. He wanted to git rid of Megatron yesterday, but he changed his mind when we voted off Wheelie.

Scrapper: See if you can get him to vote of Megatron with us. The three of us will definitely be able to get him out of here. (He holds out his hand. Ironhide shakes it. Ironhide runs to find Optimus.)

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: (As scary music plays.) Hi guys. (They sit.) You've lost four challenges in a row, guys. This has to be affecting morale just a little.

Optimus: It has, Jeff.

Ironhide: The rayne is no picnic, either.

Optimus: I was getting to that!

Megatron: Jeff, I have a question for you: At what point in time does this show literally "Jump the Shark"?

Jeff: Well, it depends on the person but most people voted for "Never Jumped."

Ironhide: Ah heard it was Season Two.

Rumble: I know a lot of people hated the Outcast twist.

Megatron: Personally, I hated Thailand: major Pagonging going on there.

Jeff: One hundred twenty-six people said "Never Jumped!" now go vote!

(More scary music. Megatron gets up and votes. Next is Optimus Prime. He votes for "Megatron.")

Optimus: This will come back to haunt me, but I am keeping my promise, my old friend. I still call you my old friend because although we've been fighting for the last few days, I know we're still friends. Besides, I saw what they did to you in the movie and you die a more brutal death. I owe you one.

Ironhide: (He votes for "Megatron") To end yore tyranny.

Jeff: (Others vote, but none are shown. Megatron is the last to go.) I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote: "Megatron." (He looks amused.) Second vote: "Megatron." Third vote: "Ironhide". Two votes Megatron, one vote Ironhide. Fourth vote: "Ironhide." (He does NOT look amused.) Two votes apiece. The sixth survivor to be voted off: (Shows vote) "Ironhide". (Ironhide grabs his torch) Ironhide, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch. They watch him leave.) I think some of you need to re-evaluate your strategy. Go on, there's more fun tomorrow.

(Music picks up)

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR:

Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet? Is it time to merge yet?

Ironhide: (As credits roll) Weyell, Ah tried ma best, but Ah didn't play the right way. At least I got to do something pretty cool. Ah hope Prahme goes farther than Ah did.


	8. The Sap is Flowing

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" Autobotopea had tempers flaring. (Shots of Starscream and Grimlock's argument.) Decepticonniption was hit hard with not one but TWO tribal councils, voting off both Wheelie and Ironhide. (Footage of both Decepticonniptions walking away from the tribe.) Can both tribes keep it up?

**Author's note: I will run the standard beginning but for the sake of keeping track of everything I am providing the new list of tribe members.**

New Decepticonniption (Teal and white striped buff)

Megatron

Ironhide

Scrapper

Rumble

Wheelie

Optimus Prime

Red Alert

New Autobotopea (Pink with white polka dot buff)

Grimlock

Motormaster

Mirage

Shrapnel

Mishap

Soundwave

Starscream

**Authors note: Confessionals will be italicized**

DAY TWENTY-ONE

(Decepticonniption are all scattered, either swimming or trying to build a fire or out getting firewood.)

_Optimus Prime: (High School Guidance Counselor, teal and white buff is around his arm). With Ironhide gone, I am the only remaining Autobot in this tribe. My time grows short. Darkness is at hand. One shall stand, one shall fall. (Shakes fist off camera.) Megatron is going down._

(Megatron is shown sitting at his throne, whistling. He's carving something while Rumble, at his feet, braids something else.)

Rumble: Hey, guys! Check it out! (Scrapper comes back, clutching treemail, Optimus lumbers out of the water.) We made tribal hemp necklaces! (Passes them out. They have conch shells strung at even length, fit close, like a choker. Rumble finishes tying Megatron's.) Not bad, eh?

Scrapper: Cute!

Optimus Prime: Thanks, guys.

Megatron: (Glows with pride for a moment.) The hard part was carving the holes in the shells.

Optimus Prime: We will wear them with pride, Meggy.

Megatron: (Makes a fist) Nobody nicknames Megatron!

Optimus Prime: Then it pleases me to be the first.

(Shots of Autobotpea, who are reading treemail as Scrapper gnaws at a corner of it. It is raining again.)

Motormaster: (Yanking it away from Shrapnel) "Thundercracker, Ramjet, Thrust, and Dirge! Ultra Magnus, Bluestreak, Trailbreaker! You will get an emotional surge! We are raising all the stake-er, wait! You will satisfy an urge!"

Starscream: Insert rant here.

Mirage: Are you OK, Starscream?

Starscream: (Tired.) I am all right. Slept wrong on my back, but otherwise fine.

_Starscream: (Julliard Instructor, buff is worn as an armband.) I have become weary of this stupid game. When are we going to take over the planet?_

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Shots of Jeff Probst, grinning as the rain starts falling again.)

Jeff: Welcome! Come on over! (Gestures to benches set up. They sit.) Notice who's missing?

Mirage: Ironhide! (Starts looking scared.)

Jeff: Yes, Ironhide has been voted off of Decepticonniption. Hey, nice necklaces!

Optimus Prime: Meggy made them.

Megatron: I will kick your aft in six different places, Prime!

Jeff: Hey, that's enough. I want you all to drop your buffs. (Braces for another attack of armor bustplates.) You got it right!

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SORELY TEMPTED.

Jeff: Well, it's the moment you've all been waiting for: Here are your new buffs! (Passes out chartreuse and black houndstooth check buffs.) You are officially a new, merged tribe. You can come up with a name later. Right now, I have a special reward challenge for you. (Turns to big screen TV that was not on-camera at any time but now.) First I think you should get a glimpse of the reward. (Invisible hands turn it on. Swoop is onscreen.)

Swoop: Hi Grimlock! It's me Swoop!

Grimlock: (Bounces up and down in his seat.) SWOOP!

Jeff: Right, Grimlock. In case you haven't figured it out, your reward is a taped message from your loved ones. ONE of you will get to see all of the message. The rest of you only get a greeting. (Next on is Shockwave.)

Shockwave: Hail Mighty Megatron! (Makes salute.)

Megatron: (Bursts into tears.) That's my best friend!

Starscream: I'll bet.

Skyfire: Greetings, old friend.

Starscream: Hey, Skyfire! My fraternity brother!

Elita-1: Hi honey! (Very young Hot Rod and Arcee are there with her, waving and saying 'Hi Dad!')

Optimus Prime: (Voice box a little scratchy) My family.

Constructicons: Hey! Scrapper!

Hook: It's not the same without you!

Bonecrusher: Yeah! There's actually enough energon to go around! (They all laugh.)

Scrapper: My co-workers!

(The whole time this is going on, sappy music plays.)

Mishap: Hey brother! Have I beaten you yet?

Mirage: (Laughs.) We agreed to send each other the message, for fun.

Soundwave: Greetings, Rumble. (Other tapes are around him, making noise.)

Rumble: (Trying not to cry.) That's MY family! (Starts bawling.)

(Jeff tears up.)

Bombshell and Kickback: Hi Shrapnel!

Shrapnel: My brothers, brothers. (Smiles happily.)

Stunticons: Hey! Motormaster! (They flip him off, which is pixilated.)

Motormaster: (Laughing.) Inside joke.

Jeff: Whatever makes you a happy Decepticon. (Turns off TV.) Think it's a reward worth playing for? (They all say yeah.) OK, then. Here's your challenge: Because you all have perfect memories, it is unfair to tax you at a memory game. Instead, I am going on a hobby all of you happen to have. Every single one of you is a cartoon fanatic.

Megatron: You promised you wouldn't tell anyone!

Jeff: Sorry. (Passes out notebooks and markers.) Anyway, this is a test of how well you know the most vital part of a cartoon character, which would be their voice. I will ask you a question, and you will write down the name of the actor you think is the correct answer. Now, this challenge is double-sided. The winning person gets to see their whole video. The winning person's former tribemates are allowed to chose which tribal camp they wish everyone to live in. Any questions? (None. Music tenses.) First question: This actor was known as "The Man of 1,000 Voices." (Some write, some are thinking.) "The Man of 1,000 Voices." Grimlock's got it. Motormaster, Scrapper, Shrapnel, Megatron, Starscream...you all got it right. "Mel Blanc" is the man of 1,000 voices. Everyone has a point.

Shrapnel: I hope they're all this easy, easy.

Jeff: Next question: This actor is known as "The Voice God" in the cartoon industry, with credits in Disney movies and television, mostly doing animal voices. (There is thinking.) Hmm...This one's a little harder. Scrapper has "Maurice LeMarche." Grimlock has "June Foray." Optimus Prime has..."Peter Cullen"?

Optimus: He does Eeyore in Winnie-The-Pooh!

Megatron: You are an idiot.

Jeff: Wow, some of you didn't get this one. Starscream, Shrapnel, Rumble, Motormaster, Mirage, and Megatron all have it correct. It is "Frank Welker." You have two points; Optimus, Grimlock, and Scrapper have one point. Next question. (Flips card.) This actor was best known for his voice as Cobra Commander on "G.I. Joe." Since all of you watched that, I know you'll get this.

Starscream: I have the action figures.

Jeff: You all have it right. I will accept either "Christopher Collins" or "Chris Latta." Next question: He did a cartoon voice, but mostly appeared on various episodes of "Square One," as well as advertisements for Micro-Machines.

(This one has them all stumped. Some take wild guesses, but only Shrapnel knows that it's "John Moschitta Jr.") Shrapnel pulls ahead! Next question: This actor did a plethora of voices on the Smurfs, including Handy Smurf, Lazy Smurf, and Grouchy Smurf.

Scrapper: I HATE Smurfs!

Jeff: Good imitation!

Scrapper: Who's imitating? (Everyone gets "Michael Bell," Except for Grimlock, who wrote "June Foray" again.)

Jeff: We now have it as this: Grimlock, two points; Optimus Prime and Scrapper are at three; Starscream, Rumble, Motormaster, Megatron, and Mirage are at four; Shrapnel pulls ahead with five points.

Rumble: Are we done yet?

Jeff: NO! Next question: This cartoon voice actor has made personal appearances on Star Trek, I Spy, Man from U.N.C.L.E., and Hawaii 5-0.

Motormaster and Scrapper: (Without any cue, start singing that theme, banging their heads.) Da da da da daaaaa-duh, da da da da Daaaaaa.

Jeff: Motormaster has it, Starscream has it, Shrapnel has it. Grimlock has "Tress MacNeille."

Grimlock: SHE RATHER MANNISH.

Jeff: I thought she was hot in that Weird Al video. "Michael Chain" is correct. No one has beaten Shrapnel yet. Next one: Who did the voice of the Tin Woodman in the 1990 cartoon "The Wizard of Oz?"

Megatron: That was a SHOW?

Optimus Prime: It was not a popular kids' cartoon.

Jeff: Optimus has it, Shrapnel has it. Wow. Only two of you got "Hal Rayle" correct. Last question: This actor, known for her roles in television and Broadway, did the voice of Pearl in "Home on the Range."

Mirage: Oasis would know this...

Jeff: This one is a difficult one. Or maybe not! Starscream has it! "Sarah Jessica Parker."

Scrapper: How do you know that?

Starscream: My ex-girlfriend made me watch "Sex and the City" with her.

(Others make whipping noises, refuse to belief he had a girlfriend, etc.)

Jeff: Well, this is how it is: Shrapnel and Starscream are tied with six, Motormaster has five; Optimus Prime, Rumble, Motormaster, Megatron, and Mirage have four; Scrapper three; Grimlock two.

Grimlock: (Sadly) ME GRIMLOCK SORRY, SWOOP.

Jeff: You'll see him when you get back. One more question, maybe this will break the tie. The voice of Scooby Doo was not his first cartoon show; he actually began with "The Flintstones." You all got that right. "Don Messick" was the voice of Scooby Doo.

Rumble: Until Frank Welker took over!

Jeff: May I remind you that this is not "Jeopardy." Grimlock, you don't have to write "Who is Don Messick?"

Grimlock: YOU JEFF PROBST PHRASE LIKE TREBECK, ME GRIMLOCK ANSWER LIKE JENNINGS.

Jeff: Since Shrapnel and Starscream are still tied, we have to do a lightening round. (Glares as though daring anyone to make a joke. Silence.) OK, this is for you two only. Move away , so that there is no cheating. (They sit on opposite sides.) Now, you have ten seconds to list every single cartoon character Casey Kasem has ever played, starting...now! (Ten seconds goes by. They scribble furiously.) Let's see your lists. You both have Shaggy from "Scooby Doo," Robin from "Challenge of the Superfriends," and Alexander from "Josie and the Pussycats." Only Shrapnel has him as Flakey Flakem from "Tiny Toon Adventures!" Shrapnel wins reward! (He cheers.) Autobotopea, you chose which campsite your new, combined tribe will have. (Autobotpea confer.)

Shrapnel: We are keeping ours, ours!

Starscream: No throne.

Jeff: I guess that settles it. Decepticonniption, you go back with Autobotopea. Your things will be there, as well as a surprise. Try to have a tribe name decided. Shrapnel, are you ready?

Shrapnel: Jeff, Jeff?

Jeff: Yes.

Shrapnel: Although I have earned it, earned it, I would like everyone to be able to see their videos, videos.

Jeff: I see. That would completely negate the reward challenge.

Shrapnel: It would be a boost for morale, morale. (Jeff shakes his head.) I'll eat your stupid hat if you don't, don't.

Jeff: I see. Well, I guess there's no problem with your way. (Invisible hands turn on TV, all get to see their messages.)

(Commercial break: ENERGIZER BATTERIES ARE THE BEST! NO! PUT DOWN THE MEIJER BRAND ONES THAT COST LESS! STOP! I MEAN IT!)

(Shots of the new tribe walking together through the jungle, arguing over the name.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK WANT TO BE CALLED THE SUPERPECKERS!

Starscream: I am NOT naming my tribe after your stupid pet chicken!

Megatron: Who said it was YOUR tribe?

Starscream: Fearless leader, no one but you prefers 'Meggy's Minions.'

Megatron: ARGH! (Chases Starscream through the jungle.)

_Optimus Prime: (High School Guidance Counselor, new buff wrapped around arm.) The minute we merged I cornered Mirage and told him what happened over at Decepticonniption. He and I talked strategy while Motormaster and Scrapper sang Korn tunes and Shrapnel and Rumble ran ahead to see what Megatron would do to Starscream._

_Grimlock: (Rocket Scientist, new buff worn as tube top.). (Whispering, face close to the camera a la Blair Witch.) me grimlock follow behind them and hear them talk. they want to vote off megatron. me grimlock say, duh! they do not ask me grimlock for help, so me grimlock tell motormaster and shrapnel. we tell starscream._

Rumble: (Offscreen of Optimus and Mirage's talk) Hey guys! Come look at what they left us!

(Shots of great spread, more energon than ever, even new blankets. Too many shots of robots getting over-energized. They are all laying on the ground, lounging against each other.)

Scrapper: If we were going to prove we've combined the tribe, why don't we take the names we have and put them together, like they did in "All Star Survivor"?

Starscream: Chabogamogo?

Motormaster: Autobotonipption?

Shrapnel: Decepticonopea?

Grimlock: BOTCON?

Everyone else: (They look at each other.) Yeah. I like that. Why not? Beats Superpecker.

(Sun sets, another full moon. How, I don't know. All of BotCon is sitting at the fire. Grimlock is telling a story.)

Grimlock: THEN SHE CAME INTO THE KITCHEN!

Starscream: So?

Grimlock: DID ME GRIMLOCK MENTION SHE WAS DEAD?

Starscream: No!

Shrapnel: C'mon Grimlock, Grimlock! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that, that!

Megatron: What kind of story do you have?

Shrapnel: What do you know about El Cupacabra, Chupacabra?

Mirage: "The goat-sucker?" I thought that was you Insecticons.

Shrapnel: No, no! We don't eat organic, organic!

Grimlock: TELL US ABOUT THE RABBITS!

Megatron: Too scary!

Motormaster: I've got a better one!

Scrapper: Too bad, Mine is best: It is the year 2005...(He proceeds to tell the entire "Transformers: The Movie" script, minus the stupid score, using people instead of robots. Spike and Bumblebee are interchangeable.)

Starscream: That is the worst story I've ever heard!

Optimus Prime: It scared _me_.

Megatron: The very idea of Orson Wells consuming the Universe would scare anyone. Scrapper, I don't appreciate some of your casting choices. Leonard Nemoy?

Scrapper: Well, I've always been a Trekkie. Have you seen the third movie, 'The Search for Spock?'

Megatron: Yes. The fourth one was better.

Starscream: The Next Generation was my favorite. 'First Contact' was the best!

Scrapper: No way!

Mirage: Guys, guys, we've discussed this to death already! Can we get back to the scary stories?

Motormaster: It's my turn! (No one argues.) OK, here it is, this is sort of like Scrapper's, but it isn't...(Everyone is glaring.) OK. Humans write BAD stories about us for fun.

Starscream: What sort of stories?

Motormaster: Well, I haven't read any myself, but my best friend in high school knew people who would write stories in which _you_ (points to Optimus Prime) are Jewish, _you two_ (Megatron and Starscream) are lovers-

Megatron and Starscream: WHAT!

Motormaster: Grimlock is dumber than a post-

Grimlock: NOT FEASIBLE.

Motormaster:-You are completely forgotten because Hook is the brains of the outfit.

Scrapper: No way!

Motormaster: AND...Mirage has a sister who's a total klutz.

Rumble: He DOES.

Motormaster: Oh yeah. My point was that people write about us having different personalities, girlfriends, and twins.

Starscream: There's no way.

Megatron: No intelligent individual would accept this as anything less than an urban legend.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK WANT REFUND!

Optimus: That's it! I'm going to bed.

Shrapnel: You should have let me tell you about El Chupacabra, Chupacabra.

DAY TWENTY-TWO

_Megatron: (Psychology Professor, his buff is wrapped around his neck with his necklace) I would not admit this to anyone but two million television watchers but...I'm glad Starscream's back. (Shots of them at the fire.) I have someone to yell at again. He also helps entertain us._

(The tribe is all painting the flag. There is no theme, it's nine different pictures surrounding the name BOTCON.)

Starscream: I don't want to!

Motormaster: Do it!

Starscream: (Sighs.) Fine.

Megatron: One, two, three, four-

Motormaster, Grimlock, Optimus Prime, Megatron: (In perfect harmony) A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way, A-wheem A-way.

Starscream: In the jungle the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight. In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight...

Rumble: (soprano) Aaaaaaaaaahhhh.

_Shrapnel: (Plumber, buff is chewed up in a corner as he wraps it around his arm.) This whole tribe seems to think this is summer camp, camp! I don't mind Megatron's singing, singing: whatever makes him a happy Decepticon, con. What makes me lose my appetite is Optimus Prime's belief he will triumph, triumph!_

DAY TWENTY-THREE: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of Jeff watching them all walk in)

Jeff: Nice flag! Who painted it?

Rumble: We all had a part in it.

Jeff: I see. Who drew the unicorn? (No one admits it.) Well, it's not important. Here's your immunity challenge: An obstacle course!

Others: Boo!

Jeff: You knew we had to put one in sooner or later.

Megatron: Whatever makes you a happy game show host.

Jeff: Because you are now a united tribe, this challenge is for individual immunity. (Gestures to the idol, a necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point. All of them kneel before it.) Please, it's not a holy relic! (A low-flying stealth jet flies by, one that would have decapitated a few players if they had not ducked.) WHAT! Those stupid guys on Access Hollywood will do anything to get a scoop! Where are my lawyers! Oh yeah, go through the obstacle course! (Waves them off.)

(They race through, shoving each other out of the way. Up ladders, across balance beams, untying knots, rope bridges, canoe paddling...they're all dead even until they get to the complicated puzzle.)

Jeff: Well, my lawyers are on alert and...hey! Mirage figured out the puzzle! So did Optimus Prime! And Megatron! Go on to the last part! Crawl under the row of logs to the finish line to get immunity! (Megatron and Optimus get stuck. Megatron is kicking his legs as hard as he can, Optimus is digging like a mole. Mirage is through like greased lightening.) There goes Mirage! Mirage wins immunity!

(Back at camp, there is a lot of wandering around.)

_Optimus Prime: (High School Guidance Counselor. Buff is around wrist) I've been talking to Mirage about how to get rid of Megatron. We approached Starscream, since he and Mirage were in some kind of alliance._

Starscream: If we get rid of Megatron, we have the rest of his alliance to deal with.

Mirage: Who's that? Rumble?

Optimus: I've been watching this guy while you were gone. He really doesn't have much of a hold over Scrapper. If we get him and Motormaster to help us, we have a way to take Megatron out!

Starscream: You are right, Prime. We should-(Sees Megatron coming up to them, with Rumble in tow. Starscream raises his voice.)-lose that lumbering moron Grimlock immediately!

Megatron: I see we have a definite plan.

Optimus Prime: Indeed.

Megatron: (Menacingly.) Indeed. (Walks away, Starscream and Rumble follow.)

Optimus Prime: Meggy is going down.

(Switch to camera following Megatron and company. Nobody notices Grimlock walking right behind them.)

Starscream: All I asked was, 'What's in it for me?'

Megatron: You know very well what's in it for you! You promised me loyalty and now I'm calling you on it!

Starscream: (Smugly) I promised you assistance when you asked. That was a few days ago. Now I know a lot more than you do.

Megatron: (Turns to Starscream and clenches hand around his neck.) Your knowledge is only overshadowed by your stupidity. (Lifts him up by his throat.) Talk, Starscream, or suffer the consequences!

Starscream: Prime wishes to usurp you as commander!

Megatron: You are either lying or you're stupid!

Starscream: I'm stupid! I'm stupid!

_Grimlock: (Rocket scientist, buff is worn like a tube top.) FUNNY THING. NO ONE TALK TO ME GRIMLOCK. SO ME GRIMLOCK GO TALK TO SHRAPNEL. HE SAY IT UP TO ME GRIMLOCK. I SAY, OK._

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: C'mon in guys! Have a seat! (They sit.) Now that you are a combined tribe, I bet things are a little different. One of the biggest differences is that the member of BOTCON you vote out today will come back every council to listen to you talk as part of a seven-mech jury. This jury gets the final vote as to who is the ultimate Survivor. Any questions? (There are none.) Mirage, you are wearing the immunity necklace. Do you wish to give it to another?

Mirage: No.

Jeff: That means all of you but Mirage are fair game. Rumble, you go first. (Music gets scary as Rumble goes over to vote. His vote is not shown. Neither are any in the montage. Optimus goes up last. You see him vote for "Megatron.")

Optimus Prime: If at first you don't succeed...get some help. Thanks for the necklace.

Jeff: I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. First vote: "Megatron." Second vote: "Megatron." (Megatron glares.) Third vote: "Optimus Prime". Two votes Megatron, one vote Optimus Prime. Fourth vote: "Starscream." (The jet looks nervous.) Two votes Megatron, one vote Optimus Prime, one vote Starscream. "Optimus Prime". "Optimus Prime." Seventh vote: "Starscream" Three votes Optimus Prime, two votes Megatron, two votes Starscream. Eighth vote: "Optimus Prime" (Music tenses up.) The seventh survivor to be voted off: (Shows vote) "Optimus Prime".

Optimus Prime: I've been bamboozled! (Optimus Prime grabs his torch.)

Jeff: Optimus Prime, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch. They watch him leave.) Amazing. I don't know who's pulling what alliances here, but the former Autobotopea tribe is two people away from being Pagonged. You better start winning more immunities. Go on back.

(Music picks up)

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR:

Mirage tries everything he can to stay in this game.

Optimus Prime: (Shows Grimlock and Shrapnel voting for Starscream, Mirage and Optimus voting for Megatron, and everyone else voting for Optimus Prime.) I forgot that this was an assignment, not a personal vendetta. In doing so I didn't suspect Megatron would fight back. (Sigh.) At least I can be on the jury. Meggy will never have my vote, though. (Laughs.)


	9. Bang the Drum Slowly

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" Two tribes no more, the newly merged BotCon tries to get along (Shots of Megatron chasing Starscream through the jungle). Individual immunity is the name of the game, and Mirage comes through. (Footage of Megatron and Optimus stuck under a row of logs as Mirage wins.) Optimus Prime's negotiations failed and he was voted out. Who's going home tonight?

Author's note: Still the same beginning, but to help keep track, I will list the tribe as they stand now. All confessionals will be italicized.

BOTCON

Grimlock

Megatron

Mirage

Motormaster

Rumble

Scrapper

Shrapnel

Starscream

(Nighttime shots of BotCon returning home.)

Mirage: (To Grimlock, chartreuse buff is wrapped around his leg.) Starscream promised he would talk to Motormaster and Scrapper! (Drums.) What went on there?

Rumble: (To Megatron, chartreuse buff is worn like a tube top.) Starscream promised he would talk to Motormaster and Scrapper! (Drums.) What went on there?

_Starscream: (Julliard Instructor, buff worn as a headdress.) Two votes for me? I must have ticked them off more than I thought when I called them morons._

Scrapper: (He and Motormaster are sitting alone at the fire.) We are in BIG trouble.

Motormaster: I know. We voted for Optimus, but everyone thinks we voted for Starscream. That bug lied to them.

(Shots of Shrapnel scarfing down the firewood behind them. He narrows his optics suspiciously.)

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

Grimlock: AUGH! SUPERPECKER!

_Starscream: (Julliard Instructor.) Somebody left that stupid chicken's cage open last night. Hehehehehehe!_

Grimlock: (Running around camp, lifting up rocks, a fallen tree, Megatron's new throne, the still-offline Motormaster, etc.) SUPERPECKER! ME GRIMLOCK FIND YOU!

Motormaster: (Drowsily.) What's going on?

Grimlock: (Off camera, running from camp.) SUPERPECKER!

_Jeff Probst: (Game Show Host. No buff.) Yeah, it's me. I know, I KNOW, I'm breaking a hundred rules here, but darn it, I'm a man, not a machine! These robots are driving me INSANE! Today at reward challenge they showed up missing half the tribe. Grimlock was looking for his lost chicken, Shrapnel had indigestion from eating too much firewood, and Motormaster and Scrapper are too scared to leave the small island they're hiding on._

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Shots of an angry Jeff waving his arms while the other four members of BotCon stand around, heads down.)

Jeff: DO I HAVE TO CALL IN FOR RE-INFORCEMENTS AGAIN?

Others: NO!

Jeff: _**THEN GO GET THEM!**_

(Megatron takes off for the other island, Mirage and Starscream run for Grimlock. Rumble stays.)

Jeff: What?

Rumble: I need some 10W-30 to make Shrapnel feel better.

Jeff: Take him to First Aid. (Turns around and throws his hands in the air in disgust.) This was supposed to be the CAR reward challenge!

(Commercial Break: WE'RE CHANGING THE U.S. DOLLAR AGAIN! MAKE SURE YOU USE THIS DOLLAR, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE USING OTHER MONEY. LIKE CANADIAN.)

(Shots back to Jeff and all eight Survivors together again. Grimlock is holding his chicken.)

Jeff: Glad you all decided to participate. Want to know what you're playing for? (They say 'yeah.') You are playing for the greatest tribute to NAFTA we could come up with-

Megatron: Not the G6!

Jeff: You wish. (Waves his hand, invisible driver pulls up in a Pontiac.)

Rumble: An AZTEK! (Shrieks in horror as the others groan.)

Jeff: Any valid objections you would have had are null and void. You are going to play for it. Besides, you haven't noticed what's in the cargo area. (They notice the energon cubes glowing in the back and start hopping up and down.) Great. Here's your reward challenge: Notice that there are eight sets of nine tiles, each with a symbol on it. You each get a set of tiles, and a slingshot with pebbles. You are to use the slingshot to break the tiles I dictate you to break. Notice that there are similar symbols that are a different color. If you mess up, or miss the tile, you cannot re-shoot it. You must hit at least ¾ of the square to make it count. Do NOT hit your fellow tribemates or their tiles, MEGATRON. Survivors ready? Aim...you are shooting the pink heart...Fire!

Grimlock: JEFF! WATCH ME GRIMLOCK'S CHICKEN! (Jeff hands Superpecker over to the invisible car driver. Grimlock misses completely, hitting the square next to it.)

Jeff: Starscream has hit it. Rumble missed. Megatron hit it. Scrapper and Motormaster missed. Mirage missed. Grimlock missed it. Shrapnel hit it. Next shot: Hit the square next to it, the square with a orange star. (Looks surprised.) Same results. OK, next square to hit is the one with the yellow moon. Same...results? Try the green clover. (Shakes his head, grinning that fake grin he does.) Same results! (Drums.) Why is that?

Megatron: We are programmed that way.

Jeff: Time to shake things up. Turn off your optics and aim for the blue diamond! (They do.) Megatron got it. Shrapnel got it. Everyone else missed! It's time for a tie-breaker. Take a look at the set-up. Now, turn off your optics again. Hit...the purple horseshoe. Same thing! OK, last one. Hit the red balloon! (Megatron fires.) Megatron misses! Shrapnel hasn't fired yet.

Shrapnel: There WAS no red balloon, Jeff, Jeff!

Jeff: He's right! It was a trick question.

Megatron: What! Probst, I should have killed you when I had the chance in '97!

Jeff: Too bad. Shrapnel, you have won the new Pontiac Aztek! Rack-and-pinion steering, ABS, the CRAPPIEST sound system ever, and a cargo load of energon cubes! Shrapnel, before you start eating the car...I have a twist. You have also won immunity. (Puts on a necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point.)

Shrapnel: I HAVE THE POWER, POWER!

Jeff: Please, it's not a holy relic!

Megatron: Probst, your days are numbered...

Jeff: Stop whining and get back to camp! The second immunity challenge will be TOMORROW. Get cracking!

(Yes, it's ANOTHER commercial break, for the "Pontiac Aztek game changing moment": When Grimlock found his chicken!)

(Shots of BotCon sitting around camp, either drinking energon or eating the new car.)

_Megatron: (Psychology professor, buff is wrapped around his neck to complement his home made necklace.) When I went to the island to talk to the Moronic Duo (shots of Motormaster and Scrapper drinking and laughing) I found out that they had a Final Three alliance with Starscream. I told them what an interesting coincidence that was, considering he'd agreed with Rumble and me to eliminate the competition! (Drums.)_

Scrapper: (To Motormaster as they walk down the beach.) I think we found us a way out of trouble. (Drums.) I told Grimlock that Starscream let his chicken out.

Motormaster: While you were doing that, I went to get more energon out of the car and told Shrapnel that Starscream was pulling for him to be voted off next. (Drums.)

Scrapper: (Looks around.) Who's doing that?

Mirage: (Emerges in from the underbrush behind them with home-made bongo set.) I used to play the quads in marching band.

Scrapper: Really? Where?

Mirage: Walsh College. Anyway...I heard all you said, and I want in.

Motormaster: Who says we want you?

Mirage: You want to get rid of Starscream, don't you? How are you going to do that with only two votes?

Motormaster: We have Megatron's.

Mirage: Do you? Really? And Rumble's?

Scrapper: (Uneasily.) He didn't guarantee us Rumble's.

Mirage: That's how he got Optimus. (Drums.)

DAY TWENTY-FIVE: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots zooming down to a beach with a tired-looking Jeff.)

Jeff: Hi. Mirage, may I have the necklace? (Mirage gives it up.) Once again, with the exception of Shrapnel, immunity is up for grabs. Your twist today for tribal council will be explained later. For now, your challenge.

(Sweeps over, with dramatic drums, to show eight floating rafts in the middle of the ocean.)

Rumble: Hey! What's the big idea! We can't swim!

Jeff: (Gleefully.) That's what makes this challenge so great! Each raft has a rope tied to it from the bottom of the sea. Each one of these ropes has many colored flags, ONE of your designated colors is fastened on there, at various depths. Your flag may have depths of five, ten, fifteen, or twenty meters below, it's different for each rope. You have to get all eight of your flags and hang them on the rack over here on the beach. Your reward is immunity. Do NOT pull on the ropes, you will cause the rafts to sink and that will make me _unhappy._ I KNOW you don't want a repeat performance of that, right? (They shake their heads.) Good. Survivor's ready? (Raises left arm.) Go! (Drops left arm and raises right.)

Starscream: Out of my way, Pipsqueak! (Starscream knocks over Rumble as he runs into the water.)

Rumble: You are DEAD, Starscream!

(Shots of BotCon trying to float up to the higher flags.)

Jeff: Starscream has one flag! Megatron has two! He's being smart and collecting more than one at a time. Grimlock...has one! Shrapnel has none. Rumble has two. Mirage has two. Motormaster has one, Scrapper has...four! Starscream has trouble keeping it up! Keep working at it Starscream! You'll come sooner or later! Pull harder! Give it a jerk! Work it!

Starscream: (Emerging from ocean.) SHUT UP!

Jeff: Scrapper has six! Megatron has four! Uh-oh! Starscream is blocking Rumble. Here comes Motormaster with his third flag. (Shots of Scrapper with the two flags in his hand.) Scrapper wins immunity! (Shots of happy Scrapper, annoyed Megatron, frustrated Starscream.)

Scrapper: I am strong! I am invincible! I am Scrapper!

Jeff: Please, it's not a holy relic! (Histrionically.) Now for your twist. You need to do some SERIOUS negotiations from now 'til tomorrow night. Serious. For the rules of tribal council have been, for one night only, changed. ANYBODY whose name is on a ballot is going to be on the jury. Numbers don't matter, if you have even ONE vote, you are leaving. (Pauses for drama as others gasp and drums play.) The only two people safe are Scrapper and Shrapnel. (Grins that fake grin.) Let the play begin.

(Shots of BotCon walking back. A LOT of whispered conversations.)

_Rumble: (Pulitzer Prize Winning Columnist, buff is around his leg.) I told Megatron if we want to keep a decent Final Four alliance we need to keep Grimlock and Shrapnel as our pawns. He agreed with my saying Starscream is a liability. I sent him off to talk to them while I worked on Starscream. Fool jet thinks that he has control over the Moronic Duo. (Snorts.) He couldn't control alt delete!_

(Shots of Mirage talking to Motormaster and Scrapper.)

Mirage: We need to oust Megatron, and quickly. He's a physical threat to all of us.

Motormaster: For the last time, we DON'T want an alliance with you!

Mirage: Why not?

Motormaster: Look, Rumble told us our best way to get to the Final Four was to eliminate the Autobots! That includes you! So go find Grimlock and see if his chicken gets to vote! (He and Scrapper laugh.)

(Shots over to Grimlock(Superpecker is perched on his head) and Shrapnel talking to Starscream.)

_Shrapnel: (Plumber, buff is worn as a headdress.) Starscream wants us to vote off Mirage, Mirage! He says the only way to get to the final three is to go along with Megatron until our numbers are more favorable, favorable! What he is not counting on is that we KNOW about his alliance with Megatron already, ready!_

(We see shots of a snake in a tree. Hermit crabs scuttle across the beach. A gorgeous sunset leads to one shot of a fist quarter moon, the next shot is of bats flying out of the jungle with a last quarter moon in the background. Night time shots of everyone staring at each other uneasily as they sit at the fire. Total silence.)

Mirage: You know, we're all feeling pretty paranoid here. I think we would feel a lot better if we just put aside our differences until tomorrow morning and right now just tried to do something fun.

Starscream: I'm all 'funned' out, Autobot. (Gets up to go to bed.)

Mirage: (Singing.) I can't stop this feeling-

Scrapper: Oh no!

Mirage: (Still singing) Deep inside of me...

Rumble: Shut up! Starscream, get him!

Starscream: Get him yourself! (Gets hit on the head with a coconut by Megatron.) (Subtitled muttering.) Primus, I miss Mishap.

Mirage: Girl, you just don't realize, what you do to meeeee. Take it Grimlock!

Grimlock: WHEN YOU HOLD ME GRIMLOCK, IN YOUR ARMS SO TIGHT YOU LET ME GRIMLOCK KNOW, EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT.

Shrapnel: I'm, I'm- (Mirage hits his drums twice.)

Everyone: HOOKED ON A FEELIN'! I'M HIGH ON BELIEVIN.' THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH MEEEE! (Motormaster, Grimlock, and finally Megatron start ooga-chaka-ing.)

DAY TWENTY-SIX

_Mirage: (White House Intern, buff is worn as a neckband.) I have no alliances, no positive affirmation from anyone, but I'm not going down without a fight._

Mirage: (Sitting at fire, talking up to someone off camera.) You need me! I'm you ace in the hole! Who would suspect an Autobot would be in a secret alliance with you? If we're in the final two, who is the jury most likely to vote for, me or you? (Does not like what he sees.) How about this: I know Megatron's been doing your dirty work, and that particular information would be interesting fodder for any undecideds. Including myself.

Rumble: Your threats don't scare me, Autobot! You know that Starscream is the biggest threat in this game, and _I_ know that the minute Mishap was airlifted off of the island he dissolved your partnership! If you want my help, you have to promise to vote off anyone I want gone from NOW ON or I vote you off TONIGHT! Got it?

Mirage: (Sighs. Looks off camera, biting his lip in frustration.) Got it. Who am I voting for?

Rumble: We're getting rid of Starscream. Vote him off. The others know, and he's voting for Grimlock, so we all win this way.

Mirage: OK.

_Grimlock: (Rocket Scientist, buff is worn around Superpecker.) ME GRIMLOCK TALK WITH MEGATRON. MEGATRON SAY HE GET RID OF STARSCREAM, NOT SURE YET. ME GRIMLOCK ALL FOR STARSCREAM GONE! ME GRIMLOCK AND MEGATRON ALMOST CAUGHT BY MIRAGE AND STARSCREAM! HOPE STARSCREAM NOT HEAR ME GRIMLOCK!_

TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: Welcome back! C'mon in! (They sit at the robot-sized benches.) From now on, all people voted off are a part of the jury who will decide which of the final two gets the million barrels of oil. They cannot say anything, only listen. Optimus Prime, come in! (Optimus comes in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. He waves to Mirage.) I'm sure this was an interesting day. Megatron, how intense were the negotiations?

Megatron: There was an over-abundance of panic, Jeff.

Jeff: Do you feel safe?

Megatron: As safe as you will feel when this game is over.

Jeff: I'll ignore that. Rumble, you seem calm. Any worries about tonight?

Rumble: Well, yeah. The only people safe tonight have the immunity necklace. I think I've been doing OK so far.

Jeff: So you hope you'll go further. (Rumble nods.) OK, Scrapper, Shrapnel, you have the immunity necklaces. Do you wish to give them to anyone else?

Scrapper and Shrapnel: No, no.

Jeff: That means all of you but Scrapper and Shrapnel are fair game. Starscream, you go first. (Music gets scary as Starscream goes over to vote. His vote is not shown. Neither are any in the montage. Drums beat hard as Mirage goes up, second to last. You do not see his vote, but you hear him say "I got it, all right" as the camera shows him sitting back down. Grimlock goes up and writes "Starscream.")

Grimlock: (Whispering, face too close to the camera.) me grimlock glad you starscream go!

Jeff: (Watches Grimlock sit down.) I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. You need only one vote to be ejected in this particular tribal council. I'll go tally the votes. (Opens paper.) Eighth survivor to be voted off, second on the jury: "Starscream."

Starscream: You wretched traitors! I'll have your sparks for this!

Jeff: Starscream, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch. Starscream exits as music goes from dramatic to sad to scary.) Next vote: "Starscream." (Pause as he opens next paper.) Ninth Survivor to be voted off, third on the jury: (Shows paper.) "Rumble." (Rumble is shocked. Says nothing as he gets up to leave. Sad music, tinged with drums.) Rumble, the tribe has spoken. (Jeff extinguishes his torch.) Fourth vote: Rumble again. (Opens another piece of paper.) Tenth Survivor to be voted off, fourth on the jury: (Drums as Jeff shows paper) "Mirage."

Mirage: At least I took him down with me!

Jeff: Mirage, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch. Shows the other three pieces of paper.) The last three votes are all for Mirage. I see that none of you succeeded in changing the minds of your rival alliances. Unfortunately, you've run out of extra players to remove. Now you either win every immunity, or have to break down and talk to the people you do not like. Head back to camp.

(Music picks up)

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR:

Jeff Probst will NOT bow to any sponsor!

Credits roll, they take turns speaking:

Starscream: I will find out who did this to me and revenge will be mine! (Shows Grimlock and Shrapnel voting out Starscream.)

Rumble: That punk! He'd better stay away from me. I'm glad he had to tumble, albeit with Rumble. (Shows Mirage and Starscream voting for him.)

Mirage: I was outnumbered, but at least I took that puppetmaster with me. (Shows Megatron, Rumble, Motormaster and Scrapper voting out Mirage.)


	10. Game On!

If you have never seen a certain Mike Meyers/Dana Carvey movie, you will be hopelessly lost.

Jeff Probst's voice over: Previously on "Survivor:" BotCon falls apart before the first reward challenge. So do I. (Shots of Jeff screaming at four Transformers.) Sorry. A double immunity later, negotiations were in full swing. Unexpected twists occurred when during a tribal council different from all others, Starscream, Mirage, and Rumble were voted out. Can anyone survive the final five?

**Author's note: Still the same beginning, but to help keep track, I will list the tribe as they stand now. All confessionals will be italicized.**

BOTCON

Grimlock

Megatron

Motormaster

Scrapper

Shrapnel

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN

(A beautiful morning. Megatron is alone, swimming in the ocean. Scrapper and Motormaster are sitting by the fire. Grimlock is taking his chicken for a walk, and passes by Shrapnel, who's munching on the remains of his car.)

GRIMLOCK: ARE YOU SHRAPNEL READY TO TAKE ON MOTORMASTER AND SCRAPPER WITH ME GRIMLOCK?

Shrapnel: Yes, yes!

GRIMLOCK: HERE, LET SUPERPECKER SIT ON THE SEAT WHILE ME GRIMLOCK USE STRATEGERY.

Shrapnel: That chicken looks sick, sick! What if he honks in the car, car?

GRIMLOCK: ME GRIMLOCK GIVE YOU SHRAPNEL A NO-HONK GUARANTEE.

Shrapnel: OK, OK.

_Megatron: (Psychology Professor, chartreuse and black houndstooth check buff worn like a headdress.) I regret losing my _obvious_ alliance. This proves that my opponents are not as sheep-like as I had assumed. I will have to play this game different. Soon I will have the million barrels of Karbombian oil! Limitless possibilities with energon! It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine._

Motormaster: (Buff worn around left leg.) I have had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I would call a career or anything. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets.

Scrapper: (Buff worn around right leg.) Is that when you became a construction worker?

Motormaster: Yeah...(Watches Grimlock, buff around chicken, leave to talk to Shrapnel. Jerks his head in the direction of the Aztek.) To the mirth mobile. (Snickers.) Megatron is still a clear threat. I don't trust him. How do we know he's not playing us like he did the Autobots?

Scrapper: How do we know he doesn't trust us completely? We don't. We don't know ANYTHING. I still think he's a more sure bet for the final three. We need to come up with something...Wait! (Stands up excitedly. Music plays a fanfare.) No. (Sits.) I got it! (Stands up excitedly. Music plays a fanfare.) No. (Sits.)

Motormaster: (Whispers.) He's coming back. (Loudly.) I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored. (Megatron looks at them, shakes his head in bewilderment, and goes to get tree mail.) OK...first I'll access Grimlock to team up with us by us staging an elaborate prank to be revealed at a later time, involving his chicken...Then I'll ID the next council victim from Megatron and get his approximate position on who's next on his 'out' list. THEN I'll reposition a similar transgression on a 'remote bug' to see if Grimlock is as gullible as we think he is, and willing for an alliance, have him on our side!...It's almost too easy.

Scrapper: Are you some kind of mental? We need Megatron with us, not Grimlock!

Megatron: We have tree mail! (Waits for Grimlock and Shrapnel to come over.) "I, hate the rain and sunny weather. And I, hate the beach and mountains too. (and) I don't like a thing about the city, no, no. And I, I, I, hate the country side too! And I, hate everything about you!...everything about you!" Plagiarism at it's finest.

Scrapper: It doesn't really tell us much about the challenge.

REWARD CHALLENGE

(Shots zooming in to Jeff. He's smiling a fake smile.)

Jeff: Hi everybody!

Others: Hi Jeff.

Jeff: Today you are having an interesting reward challenge. (Shots zoom out to a wooden tower. It has a stairway, minus the steps itself, leading up to the top, where five treasure chests sit in a circle.) Somewhere around that tower, buried in the sand, are the wooden slats that you must use to build your stairway. Note that the pegs for each stairway are different. You will dig up stairs with circular holes, square holes, etc. Each hole needs a peg to fit. (Ignores snickering.) Once the stairway is built, you may walk up it to the platform. There you will unlock one of the many trunks and pull out the prize inside.

Megatron: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

Jeff: The prize you pull out will determine the prize you win. It could be more energon, a trip somewhere exotic-

Scrapper: Such as?

Jeff: Like...New York. Or Texas. Or Hawaii. Or imagine being whisked away to...Delaware.

Motormaster: Delaware! T'cha. And monkeys will fly out of my aft!

Jeff: I was only kidding. A few things you need to know: The treasure chest you open is YOURS. You cannot change your mind after you open it. The first person up there gets an extra prize, to be revealed later. Survivors ready? (Raises his left arm. Switches to his right.) Go! (BotCon scrambles. They are digging all over the place.) Grimlock has an advantage as he digs, but Motormaster has found a step! He is running over to the stairway, and it's the...third step he's putting into place right now. Good job! Grimlock has found a step. It looks like the top step! NO! The stairs must be completed! Grimlock, you cannot jump up to the third piece to climb the stairway to treasure!

Grimlock: STAIRWAY! DENIED!

Jeff: Megatron has found the first step! Now here comes Scrapper with the second. Shrapnel is still having trouble digging for a step, perhaps he is in the wrong place...

Shrapnel: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat."

Jeff: What?

Shrapnel: Exactly, exactly.

Megatron: Probst! I have completed your stupid task!

Jeff: Megatron made it up first, the others are hurrying to get their treasure.

Megatron: (Holding up a wooden object.) What is this?

Jeff: It's a gun rack.

Megatron: A gun rack...a gun rack. I don't even own **a **gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do...with a gun rack?

Jeff: You don't like it, fine! You'll be sorry when you get back to your regular life, get your ion cannon back, and have nowhere to put it.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK GOT PHAT BLING BLING! (Holds up a diamond ring.)

Scrapper: NOBODY says that anymore!

Grimlock: YOU SCRAPPER JEALOUS! YOU SCRAPPER GOT A PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR TREASURE CHEST!

Scrapper: It's a recording contract with Aftermath records! I'm going to be a rap star! (Goes into wannabe thug mode.) All right stop! Collaborate and listen!

Motormaster: I got a pen. Whoops, I dropped my pen. (Motions for camera to follow him as he climbs down to get said pen. Camera does. Scrapper continues to rap. Megatron wishes for a gun now.) Don't you think it's weird they're giving out a contract as a prize? Did you ever see that Twilight Zone where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool huh?

Shrapnel: I got two CD's. Led Zeppelin and...the Shitty Beatles, Beatles.

Megatron: The Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?

Shrapnel: They suck, suck!

Megatron: Then it's not just a clever name.

Jeff: OK, get back down here with your prizes. Do you notice an interesting theme with them? (They say 'NO.') They are all prizes some would consider great, while others would be, as Megatron so elegantly expressed, completely wrong. They might be more appropriate for someone else. Which leads to the second part of this prize. Megatron, you were the first person up there. You get to decide who gets what reward.

Megatron: What's the catch?

Jeff: No catch. Decide it however you like.

Megatron: (To camera) Does this guy know how to party or what? (Looks at all the prizes, exchanges glances with robots, considers who to switch with.)

Motormaster: I want that ring, so I can propose to my girlfriend.

Megatron: Motormaster, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries!

Shrapnel: I want that ring, ring! I HATE Led Zeppelin, Zeppelin!

Megatron: Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees. Would you prefer the contract?

Scrapper: Ex-squeeze me? Baking Powder? I want to keep my contract.

Megatron: Jeff, I have decided to allow my fellow tribemates to negotiate among themselves, and leave me out of this.

Jeff: I see. Go ahead, then, decide on your own. Hurry up. (They argue, plead, Grimlock yells, eventually they decide what they want.) Ready to know what the prizes REALLY are?

Others: Yeah, sure, I hate you Probst, etc.

Jeff: Grimlock: You have, I see, the two CDs. These are linked to a nice prize: A new CD player!

Grimlock: YEAH!

Jeff: Motormaster, I see you have the gun rack. This is for the prize of...c'mon out here! (Dead End comes out of the underbrush.) A day and a night with your loved one!

Motormaster: Hey buddy! (They high-five each other.)

Jeff: Bet you're kicking yourself now, aren't you Megatron? (Ducks a handful of sand thrown at him.) You, I see, have the pen. The pen is the symbol of something even mightier: You and whoever has the contract are going to the other side of this island for an overnight at a resort! You get to relax, restore any missing fluids, have some bodywork done, etc. Who has the contract?

Scrapper: I do. Zang!

Jeff: And last but certainly not least, Shrapnel. I don't know how you ended up with the diamond ring, but it will help you more than you thought. You...have immunity. (Shrapnel gasps.) So...keep the necklace you won yesterday, and when we play for immunity tomorrow, you are allowed to sit out!

Shrapnel: (Jumps up and down.) Yes, yes!

Jeff: So, Megatron, Scrapper, here's a map to the location; Motormaster, Dead End is going back to camp with you; Grimlock, your CD player will be presented to you before we all fly home; and Shrapnel...rest easy for now.

Shrapnel: Excellent, excellent.

(Shots of Megatron and Scrapper flying to resort, chanting "We got time off from Grimlock! We got time off from Grimlock!" They ooh and ah over the great amenities. Over and over again, they say, "Can you believe this?" as they get buffed, polished, repaired, etc.)

_Scrapper: (Truck Driver, buff is nowhere to be seen because he's in a robe. He looks shiny and clean.) There was a CHEMICAL SHOWER! It was great! I'm glad we got to clean up. That salt water did terrible things to my gears._

_Megatron: (Psychology Professor, also in a robe.) Scrapper used up all the hot chemicals. Bitch. After our showers there was this HUGE pile of energon cubes laid out for us on a table. We drank a lot of energon. It was nice to be able to consume mass quantities without having to worry about rationing._

Megatron: (Shots of them over-doing it on the energon.) Man, I had too much. It's so incredible...I think I'm gonna hurl.

Scrapper: (Holds up human-sized trash can between his fingers.) Hey Megs, if you're gonna spew, spew into this. (Both laugh hysterically.)

(Back to camp. All are around the fire.)

_Grimlock: (Rocket Scientist. Buff is around him like a tube top.) ME GRIMLOCK LIKE DEAD END! HE TELL SCARIER STORIES THAN MOTORMASTER. HE LIKE SUPERPECKER, TOO._

Dead End: (The chicken is on his lap. He pets it occasionally.) I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder? (Grimlock and Shrapnel hug each other in fear.)

(Shots back to Megatron and Scrapper. Both are VERY over-energized.)

Megatron: I want you to go with me to the Final Two.

Scrapper: What about Motormaster?

Megatron: Rumble told me about your deal with him. Apparently your loyalty to Motormaster is steadfast.

Together: Not! (Laugh drunkenly.)

(Back to campfire. Motormaster, since both Grimlock and Shrapnel went to bed, is discussing his awareness of Megatron's threatening presence.)

Dead End: Yeah, I know how that feels.

Motormaster: Know what I'd like to do?

Dead End: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy, rip his still beating energon pump out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.

Motormaster: Actually, I was thinking of voting him off.

Dead End: (Shrugs.) Well, the world's a twisted place.

(Shots back to Megatron and Scrapper.)

Scrapper: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?

Megatron: No. (Cracks up laughing) No!

Scrapper: Neither did I. I was just asking.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

(Shots of Dead End being walked to the beach. Grimlock and Shrapnel follow Motormaster.)

_Dead End: (Construction Worker. No buff.) You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body._

Motormaster: (Watching the aircraft carrier from afar come closer, launching Jeff's gun boat.) It was great to have you here, End.

Dead End: Good luck, 'Mast. (They high five again. Dead End flies back to the aircraft carrier while Megatron and Scrapper return to camp. Sappy music plays.)

(Jeff arrives via gunboat and calls them all together.)

Jeff: Welcome back Scrapper, Megatron. (They nod.) I am here to drop these off. (Gestures to invisible hands depositing a giant box of stuff: costumes, a karioke machine, a vacuum cleaner, a guitar, etc. As with the coconuts, this all falls under the "Let's pretend they're the right size" school of thought.) Your immunity challenge is tomorrow. On the other side of the island, there is an orphanage that desperately needs money. For a fund-raiser, CBS has volunteered to put you guys in a talent show.

Scrapper: Shwing!

Motormaster: What is this, an episode of Road Rules? Since when do Survivors do talent shows?

Jeff: I'll admit, it's an unorthodox interpretation of an immunity challenge, but the writers are running out of ideas. (Stops and looks at camera.) So here's the challenge: You are to be in three events. Two or more of you may be on stage at a time, just make sure you are all on stage at least three times. It can be a skit, a stand-up routine, a song, anything you want-within the boundaries of good taste. You may only use your talent and the props provided. The individual with the best act wins immunity.

Megatron: Who will determine this, Probst?

Jeff: There will be a panel of judges. The first three people voted off are coming back for the honor.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SAY NO WAY!

Jeff: Way!

Scrapper: We're DEAD! The first two people voted off were Autobots!

Jeff: You are not necessarily doomed. Soundwave was the third person voted off.

Megatron: Excellent!

Jeff: Glad you're coming around. The aircraft carrier will pick you up tomorrow.

Shrapnel: Wait Jeff, Jeff! What about me, me?

Jeff: Oh yeah. You are to do the backstage stuff: lighting, sound cues, that kind of thing. See you tomorrow!

DAY TWENTY-NINE: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of an outdoor auditorium. Jeff comes out from behind the curtain. Applause. Jeff holds his left arm up and switches to right to silence them.)

Jeff: Welcome! I am your emcee, Jeff Probst. Today we have a special treat for you! The participants of Survivor eagerly-(Behind the curtain someone snorts, "Not!")-volunteered to perform for you in a special talent show. Our panel of judges are here to make sure the best is rewarded. (Gestures to Soundwave, Cliffjumper, and Blurr, who stand up and wave from their judges' table, where Pepsi cups are prominently displayed.) They are looking for talent, originality, and audience reaction. Our first act is Megatron. (Motions for Megatron to come out.)

(Megatron comes out with a classical guitar and a chair. Without acknowledging the audience, he sits down, waits for Shrapnel to shine a spotlight on him, and begins wailing on 'Maleguena'.)

Blurr: (Impressed.) IthoughtIwastheonlyonewhocoulddothat!

(He plays it so fast and so well smoke comes off of the strings. When he finishes, the audience goes nuts. He salutes and walks backstage.)

Jeff: I thought he was just another pretty face. (No one laughs.)

(Backstage, Motormaster and Scrapper regard Megatron with awe. They fall to their knees.)

Motormaster and Scrapper: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We suck! WE SUCK!

Jeff: (Sticks his head backstage.) Suck later! Get out there! (Grimlock puts on his long blond wig and follows the other two out.)

Motormaster: Hey guys! I'm Mike, and this is Garth, and this is our internet show! Mike's World! Party time! Excellent! Whoo-hoo!

Grimlock: WHOO-HOO! PARTY ON, MIKE!

Motormaster: Party on, Garth! OK,

Grimlock: OK.

Motormaster: OK, today we have a guest, this is inventor and genius Scott, with his newest invention...

Scrapper: The Suckcut! I'd like to demonstrate. (He holds up a vacuum cleaner .)

Motormaster: OK, Garth, he's gonna put this on your melon.

Grimlock: JUST A LITTLE OFF THE TOP, OK? (Vacuum cleaner is on.) AUGH! TURN IT OFF, MAN! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE! AUGH! AUGH! AUGH!

Motormaster: Whoa! OK, Calm down! (Vacuum cleaner is turned off. Grimlock continues to gasp.) OK, Garth, listen to me! You're in a forest...with Heather Locklear. (Grimlock keeps gasping. Calms down.) Well, Scott, it certainly does SUCK! What a totally amazing, excellent discovery. NOT! (Laughs with Grimlock.)

(Backstage, Jeff is watching Megatron tune his guitar.)

Jeff: You have a lot of talent.

Megatron: That means a lot, coming from you.

(Scrapper, Motormaster, and Grimlock come backstage, giggling hysterically.)

Scrapper: They're all yours, Robert Plant.

(Megatron goes out and does 'Flight of the Bumblebee.' He gets a standing ovation.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK MUST GO AFTER THAT? AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN? AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY 'THAT'S OK! I DON'T MIND! I DON'T MIND!' WELL, I MIND! I MIND BIG TIME! AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART IS? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ!

Jeff: Is that true?

Grimlock: EXCEPT FOR READING PART.

Jeff: (Goes outside.) Next up is Grimlock and...his chicken.

Grimlock: SUPERPECKER!

Jeff: I'm not saying that!

(Grimlock comes out with his chicken perched on his shoulder.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK HAVE A SMART CHICKEN! SUPERPECKER GENIUS! HIS FIRST TRICK: (Puts chicken down.) SIT! (Superpecker roosts.) SPEAK!

Superpecker: Bukaw!

Grimlock: (Makes circular motion with his hand.) WALK AROUND THE STAGE! (She runs around the stage in a perfect circle.) JUMP UP TO ME GRIMLOCK'S HAND! (She does.) TAKE BOW! (Superpecker does, sweeping her wings out. The audience applauds. The judges smile.)

Jeff: (In front of the curtain.) You know, I love chickens. Especially with honey mustard sauce! (No one laughs. He sighs.) OK, Motormaster, Scrapper, do your thing!

(Music starts. Motormaster emerges with a microphone and Grimlock's wig.)

Motormaster: They say we're young, and we don't know...won't find out untiiiiil we grow.

Scrapper: (With Lennon sunglasses.) Well I don't know, if all that's true...'cause you got me, and baby I got you...

Together: Babe. I got you babe!

(Song finishes, and they get mild applause. Jeff comes out.)

Jeff: Wasn't that fun? You know, I can sing...

Audience: Boo!

Jeff: Fine! Ingrates! Before our judges make a decision, I present to you our finale. Go ahead, guys.

(All five of them come out, including Shrapnel. Scrapper and Sharapnel are wearing dresses. Motormaster and Megatron have flannel shirts. Grimlock has a white flamenco shirt on with the chest half buttoned open.)

BotCon: Is this the reeeeeeal life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide...no escape from reality.

(They do cheesy interpretive dance moves that would make that group that did the Fatboy Slim video blush. Megatron and Motormaster each lift Shrapnel and Scrapper like ballerinas while Grimlock steps forward to sing the first verse.)

Grimlock: MOMMA. JUST KILLED A MAN...

(Jeff is laughing so hard he has to run off camera before he wets himself. The judges are hiding their heads or shaking with laughter. The show goes on.)

Megatron: I see a little silhouetto of a mech-

Shrapnel and Scrapper: Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will he do the Fandango?

All: THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING, VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!

Shrapnel: Galileo!

Motormaster: Galileo!

Scrapper: Galileo!

Megatron: Galileo!

All: Galileo Figueroa. Magnifico –oh-oh-oh.

Motormaster: I'm just poor boy and nobody loves me.

Others: HE'S JUST A POOR BOY, FROM A POOR FAMILY, SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY!

(Fast forward to the guitar solo, in which they are all head banging and/or slam dancing in a frenzy that frightens the judges, culminating to Grimlock landing on their table, crushing their prominently displayed Pepsi cups.)

Grimlock: (Dripping wet, shirt ruined.) ME GRIMLOCK SORRY.

(End of the song. Scrapper is alone as others "oooh" off the stage.)

Scrapper: Nothing really matters, anyone can see...nothing really matters. Nothing really matters, to meeeee. (As the piano plays, the guys come back and boost him dramatically into the air as he lifts his arms to heaven.) Anyway the wind blows. (Symbol crash.)

(Audience goes nuts. All five bow. Jeff comes up to the stage, still laughing.)

Jeff: That was fantastic! Let's give them all another hand! (More applause.) Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

Cliffjumper: We have, your honor. We award immunity to Megatron.

Megatron: Schwing! (He gets the necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point. The audience "ooohs.")

Jeff: Please, it's not a holy relic. I will see you all at tribal council.

DAY THIRTY: TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: Hi guys. Have a seat. (They sit down.) I would just like to say, that that was an amazing talent show. (They smile.) How on earth did you get Megatron to participate in that final number?

Scrapper: What do you mean? It was his idea.

Jeff: Onto other things. From now on, all people voted off are a part of the jury who will decide which of the final two gets the million barrels of oil. They cannot say anything, only listen. Optimus Prime, Starscream, Rumble, Mirage, come in! (All walk in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. Starscream is scowling.) You guys missed a good challenge. Anyway, let's get this over with. Motormaster: what kind of negotiations went on today?

Motormaster: Well Jeff, there wasn't a lot of time to negotiate, but my friend and I have faith in the alliances we've made. (Looks furtively at Megatron.)

Jeff: Good. Megatron, Shrapnel, you have the immunity necklaces. Do you wish to give them to anyone else?

Megatron and Shrapnel: No, no.

Jeff: Good call. That means all of you but Megatron and Shrapnel are fair game. I want those necklaces back before you leave. Megatron, you go first. (Music gets scary for the montage. No one's vote is shown, except for Scrapper's vote for Grimlock.)

Scrapper: You were a lot of fun, but it's your time to go.

Jeff: (Watches Scrapper sit down.) I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. (Opens paper.) First vote: "Grimlock."

Grimlock: WHAT!

Jeff: Calm down, it may be your only vote. Second vote: Motormaster. One vote Grimlock, one vote Motormaster. Third vote: Grimlock. Fourth vote: Motormaster. Both are tied with two votes. (Unfolds paper.) Eleventh survivor to be voted off, fifth member of the jury: "Motormaster." (Motormaster hugs a shocked Scrapper goodbye, and nods ominously to Grimlock and Megatron. Mirage and Optimus Prime elbow each other, Mirage grinning. Starscream smirks.) Motormaster, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch flame. Motormaster waves them all good-bye and walks out.)

Jeff: This is a sad ending. No Scooby-Doo ending, no supermegahappy ending. Head back to camp.

(Music picks up.)

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR:

Final four already! There will be sap. There will be crying. Can't wait!

Motormaster: (Shows Grimlock, Megatron, and Shrapnel voting Motormaster off.) That's all the time we have for my existence on our show. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the show's emotional attachments to the subject matter. Never mind, I just hope you didn't think it sucked.


	11. Take Me Out

Special Two Hour Presentation! Commercial free, thanks to the Chrysler PT Cruiser: when a hearse is just too ugly, and a Scion is not ugly enough.

Jeff Probst: Previously on Survivor: After a plethora of prizes (shots of Megatron and Scrapper at a spa, Dead End visiting and telling scary stories) BotCon prepared a creative talent show for the local orphanage. (Shots of BotCon singing "Bohemian Rhapsody".) Megatron and Shrapnel had immunity and did not give it up, leaving Motormaster to be voted off. Final four! Who will stay, who will go?

**Author's note: Still the same beginning, but to help keep track, I will list the tribe as they stand now. All confessionals will be italicized.**

(Music): Oooooooohhhhhhh-Yeow! (Add in techno-beat to standard Survivor theme. Slow speed film shows shots of contestants building shelter, swimming, in competitions. Gives picture and name, starting with Autobotpea.)

BotCon:

Grimlock

Megatron

Shrapnel

Scrapper

DAY THIRTY-ONE

(It's raining. Cold. Scrapper mumbles something about getting more firewood. Since their fire shelter is decent, they have a fire going and energon is being produced.)

_Scrapper: (Truck driver, chartreuse buff is worn as a headdress.) Grimlock did what he said he would do. Now I'm outnumbered. Megatron promised he wouldn't vote for us, so now what? Unless I get immunity next, I'm screwed! (Hides his face. Rain splatters him.)_

(Sun FINALLY comes out. Most of BotCon unbends themselves stiffly to get out from under the shelter and greet the rest of the day. Shrapnel gasps.)

Shrapnel: Where's Superpecker, Superpecker? (Picks up piece of paper left by the chicken's cage while Grimlock goes into hysterics.) I can't read this, it's chicken scratch, chicken scratch!

Megatron: (Snatches it from Shrapnel and tries to read it.) It's for you. (Hands it to Grimlock, who has tears in his optics.)

Grimlock: THIS NOT SUPERPECKER! HE HAVE EXCELLENT PENMENSHIP! IT SAY: DEAR GRIMLOCK, SUPERPECKER WANT TO LIVE WITH US RABBITS! SORRY. RABBITS! (Waves arms in air.) NOOOOOOO! NO!

_Shrapnel: (Plumber, buff is wrapped around wrist.) There is a grave disturbance in the force, but I couldn't make it in time, time! Curse my metal body! I wasn't fast enough, enough!_

Megatron: (To group) I know where these rabbits live! Come, we must save her!

Scrapper: What if you get us lost?

Megatron: (Picking up the rabbit spear Starscream made awhile ago.) Hey! It's ME!

(Shots of them wandering around the beach.)

Shrapnel: We're lost, lost! The odds of us finding these rabbits are a million to one, to one!

Grimlock: NEVER TELL ME GRIMLOCK THE ODDS!

Megatron: Shut up, all of you! Look down there! (He points to a pile of white rocks that looks suspiciously like a giant vertical maze, like "Boulder Dash," but with dead ends. There are a huge herd of rabbits scattered around the maze, including a larger one, upright and glaring at them. Superpecker is roosting on the top of the rock pile.)

(From out of nowhere, a voice laughs.)

Voice: HOHOHOHO.

Megatron: I know that laugh. (Spins around and aims the spear at...)

Jeff: Hey! Point that thing someplace else! (Looks around at group.) So you see your next immunity challenge, huh? Your task is to brave that herd of rabbits through the vertical rock maze to Grimlock's chicken. The first person to rescue this chicken wins immunity. Any questions? (Megatron mumbles something about Jeff's imminent demise.) Survivors ready? (Lifts left arm. Switches to right.) Go!

(Shots of all of them approaching, then falling back as the menacing rabbits come after them. Megatron brandishes the spear at the largest rabbit.)

Megatron: Laugh it up, fuzzball! (Leaps over the rabbit and makes it halfway up the maze.) You'll see I'm full of surprises! (He realizes he's at a dead end and tries to double back. He's cornered. The rabbits cover him.)

Shrapnel: Impressive, impressive. The force is strong with this one, this one. (He goes around a few rabbits but one knocks him from behind, banging his head against the rock and shattering his optics.) My eyes! R2, help! (Shakes himself off and crawls up the hill toward Megatron, somehow finding the spear.)

Scrapper: AUGH! (Runs through the pile of rabbits like a Spartan football player. Since this tactic didn't work for MSU, it fails Scrapper, too.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK SAVE YOU, SUPERPECKER! (Runs up the maze, crawling over the dead ends. Rabbits are on him so thick he looks like a moving Wookie.) RRRar!

Jeff: Grimlock is taking the hill! He's almost up there! Wait...he's got it! Grimlock wins immunity!

Grimlock: (Hoisting Superpecker over his head and channeling Howard Dean.) YEE-AH! ME GRIMLOCK KING OF MOUNTAIN! (Runs down, rabbits falling off of him like rain.)

Megatron: (Wakes up.) I'm out of it for a little while and everyone has delusions of grandeur! (A rabbit jumps for his neck. Shrapnel aims the spear for the rabbit.) No, wait! I thought you were blind!

Shrapnel: Don't worry, I can see a lot better, better! (The spear misses completely and makes a loud noise, casing the rabbit to flee.)

Jeff: Get down here! Grimlock is awarded immunity! (Places the necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK KING OF MOUNTAIN!

Jeff: Please, it's not a holy relic! Follow me to tribal council!

TRIBAL COUNCIL:

(Jeff leads the final four into tribal council area. Grimlock is holding Shrapnel's hand to help him through.)

Jeff: Have a seat, guys. (They sit.) Time for me to bring out the jury. From now on, all people voted off are a part of the jury who will decide which of the final two gets the million barrels of oil. They cannot say anything, only listen. Optimus Prime, Starscream, Rumble, Mirage, Motormaster, come in! (All walk in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. Starscream is scowling. Motormaster looks mad.) Have a seat. So guys, did any of you think that the chicken alone would be worth the risk? (Everyone but Grimlock says "no!")

Megatron: Jeff, we did it for immunity.

Jeff: You failed, your highness. Grimlock, you have the immunity necklace. Do you wish to give it to someone else? (Grimlock shakes his head.) Go vote, you're first. (Grimlock votes but we don't see it. Megatron goes up and votes for "Shrapnel.")

Megatron: The circuit is now complete. When I left you I was but the learner. Now _I_ am the master.

(Montage shots continue. Shrapnel has some problems, being almost blind.)

Jeff: I'll go tally the votes. (Retrieves the container they put their votes in.) Once the votes are read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the votes. (Opens paper.) First vote: "Megatron." Next vote: "Shrapnel." Third vote: "Shrapnel." (Opens last piece of paper.) Twelfth Survivor to be voted off, sixth member of the jury: "Shrapnel." (Shrapnel gets up, with difficulty due to lack of eyesight, and staggers over to Jeff.) Can we get a medic over here? (First Aid steps forward and takes Shrapnel's arm, guiding him out. Jeff extinguishes his torch.) The tribe has spoken. All right, get out of here, you have a busy day coming up soon. (They walk out. We get no speech from Shrapnel until they show him in the medic's tent, getting his optics replaced.)

Shrapnel: I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end...Grimlock stabbed me in the back, back. I admire his game, game.

DAY THIRTY-TWO

(MORE RAIN.)

_Grimlock: (Rocket Scientist, buff is worn like a tube top. Grimlock is tearing up.) ME GRIMLOCK LOVE SUPERPECKER SO MUCH! ME GRIMLOCK SO GLAD HE SAFE! (Shots of Grimlock holding a sleeping Superpecker on his lap, petting her.) SO GLAD!_

(And the thunder rolls. And the lightening strikes. And Scrapper comes flying over to the shelter, giddy.)

Scrapper: GUYS! Get out here! (Megatron and Grimlock stagger out.) Go up to the hill!

Megatron: You have regained your anti-gravity, even though Burnett turned it off. How?

Grimlock: (Putting Superpecker in her cage.) WE GO! NOW!

(Shots of the lightening illuminating the three as they stand on the top of the volcano, arms up. Lightening crashes, striking Megatron. A moment later, he takes to the air. Grimlock follows while doing flips.)

Grimlock: WHOO-HOO!

Scrapper: How did HE get anti-gravity?

Megatron: He had it in "Dinobot Island, Part 1." Ahhh. I feel completely recharged. (Lightening is striking again.)

DAY THIRTY-THREE: IMMUNITY CHALLENGE

(Shots of Jeff coming off the gun boat at 4:00 AM. He is snickering.)

Jeff: Time to get up! (Nothing. The shelter remains quiet.) C'mon, BotCon, you have a busy day ahead of you! (Still nothing. Jeff hears something and looks up.) AUGH!

Megatron: (Floating in the air with Grimlock and Scrapper.) You were unwise to lower your defenses!

Jeff: Megatron! I should have known. I recognized your _fowl_ stench the moment I was on board. (Shakes his head, realizing what he said.) Spectacular stunt, but all for naught. Are you ready for your final immunity challenge? (They somberly nod.) You all look so ominous! Follow me.

(Aerial shots zoom down to an island next to the one they have been camping on.)

Jeff: Recall that Motormaster and Scrapper hid on this island after Episode Nine. If they had known its terrible secret, no doubt they would have reconsidered.

Megatron: Where were you when we were trying to scare each other?

Jeff: (Waves a hand in front of them.) I must be allowed to speak.

Scrapper: He must be allowed to speak.

Jeff: This island...once hosted the Gilligan's Island Reunion special! (Waits for them to scream. Nothing.) Um...anyway, this island is haunted by bad gags, worse plot, predictable dialogue, and characters that set back feminism for a couple of decades. Kind of like...The Simple Life. (Still no reaction.) Anyway, your immunity challenge is at the top of the volcano. First, you will bedeck yourself with this tribal paint. Second, to honor the local gods, at least, the gods the locals had before last night's Peter Pan imitation scared the heck out of them...yeah, I know about that. You will make your own little Tiki idols out of old M.A.S.K. toys brought to you by e-bay. You will take these Tiki idols up the designated path to the top of the island, where I will be waiting. On your way up, you will encounter the torches of your fallen comrades. Please stop and give them a moment of consideration. Go ahead and gloat, it makes good TV. See you guys later.

(They paint each other to look like Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, and Ace Frehley. Grimlock claims Superpecker is Peter Criss. Since even Peter Criss doesn't want to be Peter Criss, they let it go. BotCon surrounds the craft table, Megatron hogging the glue, Scrapper spilling the glitter, Grimlock making a cute Tiki idol. They walk down the beach and approach the first torch. It's Blurr's.)

Megatron: Blurr. What can I say? Nothing.

Blurr: (Shots of him gathering firewood, shooting arrows in his only immunity challenge.) IwouldliketothinkIlearnedsomethingfromthisitwasalotoffunandI'mgladIgottoknowsomanyinterestingpeople.

(Next up is Cliffjumper's torch.)

Grimlock: HE JERK.

Cliffjumper: (Shots of him consulting the map, fretting over puzzle.) I was robbed! It's all Mirage's fault, too. He's the one who talked everyone into voting me off, the creep.

(More dramatic music plays as they leave the beach and begin the long and winding road to the top. Next is Soundwave's torch.)

Scrapper: Soundwave, we barely knew ya. Really.

Soundwave: (Shots of him hiding from rabbits.) Challenge: anticipated. Mission: accepted. Perfidy: unexpected.

(The saga continues. They are now upon Mishap's torch.)

Scrapper: How far do you think she would have gone if not for the explosion?

Megatron: According to Starscream, at least to 3rd base.

Mishap: (Shots of her winning the first immunity challenge, being pushed into the mud on "MXC," walking with Starscream.) When I was a kid, I never dreamed of playing to lose. I dreamed of playing to win! Am I bitter? Yeah. I hope I get another chance someday to prove myself.

(A few feet beyond Mishap's is Red Alert's torch.)

Megatron: He was IN this game? I hardly noticed him.

Grimlock: YOU MEGATRON ONLY ONE.

Red Alert: (Shots of him running around, kicking the coolant out of Cliffjumper, smiling to himself while watching the waves crash onto the shore.) There was a lot going on in that camp. Most people don't know this, but Optimus Prime did a lot of scheming behind our backs. Too bad I ran out of time to get the others to help.

(They ascend a pile of rocks easily, thanks to anti-gravity. Here they encounter Wheelie and Ironhide's torches.)

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK LIKE WHEELIE. HE FUN!

Wheelie: (Shots of him swimming with Grimlock, winning an MXC challenge, singing along with the new Decepticonniption.) I had a great time when I was here. I think about it with great cheer!

Megatron: (Regarding Ironhide's torch.) Truly a worthy adversary. Brilliant, a silent worker, flawless personality, he was a great team planner.

Scrapper: That's why we had to get rid of him.

Ironhide: (Shots of him building a fire, searching blind for a puzzle piece, screaming at Optimus Prime, sticking to the wall on "MXC".) Ah tried m' best, and worked hard, so Ah have no regrets. Ah'm glad Ah was able to make a show that mah pastor could watch. Mah family is proud o' me.

(Up next is Optimus Prime's torch.)

Grimlock: LESS SAID BETTER. (The other two agree.)

Optimus Prime: (Shots of him sunbathing nude.) I had to be careful what I exposed to the tribe members around me. (Shots of him in obstacle course, and wandering around the puzzle piece challenge.) Most of the time I tried to show them your average robot, someone who was not a threat but a useful asset. (More shots of him pixilated.)

(They are in a clearing overlooking the island they lived on for a month. Cliffside are three torches: Starscream, Mirage, and Rumble's. All three remaining BotCon members talk at once, basically reflecting their own personal opinions.)

Starscream: (Shots of him with Mishap, leading the sightless around the puzzle piece game, arguing with Grimlock, guzzling energon.) Now that this whole experience is complete I will be able to concentrate on more important matters. Playing Survivor has given me a great deal of perspective.

Rumble: (Shots of him on the balance beam, making hemp necklaces, making Megatron a throne, swimming in the ocean.) Nobody can do this without acknowledging their own shortcomings. If they blame others, it's a shortcoming. If you assume you are playing your tribemates, and winning, you have a shortcoming. I assumed I could control Megatron and no one would notice. That was a shortcoming.

Mirage: (Shots of him talking to Mishap by the fire, winning immunity in the obstacle course, arguing with Cliffjumper, playing the bongos at night.) I had a total BLAST. They should charge people to do this! The friends I found in Optimus, Ironhide, Grimlock, and Red Alert will last a lifetime!

(They are now nearing the top of the mountain. Shrapnel's torch remains.)

Grimlock: GOOD FRIEND. GOOD ALLIANCE.

Megatron: Bad appetite.

Shrapnel: (Shots of him at campfire, eating everything in sight, winning immunity, dancing with the others at the talent show.) You get what you put in, put in, and people get what they deserve, deserve! A pity I never got to tell the story of el Chupacabra, Chupacabra!

(At long last, BotCon is at the top of the volcano. Clouds are building up.) Jeff is there in a giant heat-protective suit. He holds up a sign stating what he wants to say.)

Megatron: "Toss Tiki idols into volcano." I enjoy you mute, Probst! I will enjoy you TOASTED even better! (Grabs Jeff and makes a break for the volcano. Tosses him in, with the Tiki gods. Lightening keeps flashing on him.)

Jeff: (On the lip of the volcano, climbing out from his hiding place.) I KNEW you would do that! That's why I had a dummy there!

Megatron: What? Blast! I couldn't tell the difference!

Jeff: Your challenge: See that giant metal pole over there? (They nod.) You must put your hand on it. Whoever lets go of the pole is out. Keep your hand on it the longest, and you win immunity. Any questions?

Grimlock: (Putting his hand on it and immediately drawing away.) OUCH!

Jeff: Grimlock is OUT! (He grins evilly.) That pole has been on this volcano ALL day. I know that it's a nasty sensation for your pain receptors, but that is why this is "Survivor."

(Shots of Scrapper and Megatron looking at each other. Scrapper is uneasy.)

Scrapper: Am I still your first choice for the final two?

Megatron: (Puts his hand on the pole and doesn't even wince.) Are you going to talk, or are you going to play?

Scrapper: Motormaster was right! We're doomed. (Puts hand on pole, immediately withdraws. Jeff presents him with the necklace consisting of computer chip key chains coming together to show toy Bumblebee/Cliffjumper flanking a GI JoeTM as the focal point.

Megatron: I will say it for you: Please, it's not a holy relic. (Jeff nods, then motions for them to follow him to tribal council.

TRIBAL COUNCIL

(They file in for tribal council. Jeff calls in the jury. They walk in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. Starscream is scowling. Motormaster looks mad. Shrapnel's new eyes are scary.)

Grimlock: WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU SHRAPNEL?

Shrapnel: First Aid only had Autobot optic glass, optic glass. My eyes will be purple until I go home, home!

Jeff: Welcome, jurors. Today Megatron will be deciding who he takes to the final two. Being that you have immunity, Scrapper can only vote for Grimlock, and Grimlock can only vote for Scrapper. Therefore, Megatron will be the only one voting. You have to convince Megatron why your name shouldn't be on his ballot. Scrapper, you may start.

Scrapper: Megatron, you and I started out unknown to each other, but I saw what a brilliant strategist you are, and I knew you would be a good ally. (Rumble is seen, looking annoyed. Starscream, if he could, would be rolling his optics.) I knew that you would be the one to beat. You know that you need someone who you can stand against in the final two. I am that candidate. My only ally was Motormaster. Anyone with half a processor knows YOU are the ultimate survivor! I am not enough competition.

Jeff: OK, Grimlock...go ahead.

Grimlock: DO MATH. TWO AUTOBOTS. FIVE DECEPTICONS.

Jeff: Is that it? (Grimlock nods.) Go ahead, Megatron.

(Scary music as Megatron goes up and votes.)

Jeff: I'll go tally the vote. (He returns with the container.) Once the vote is read, the decision is final. The mech voted out will be asked to leave the tribal council area immediately. I'll read the vote. (Opens paper.) Thirteenth survivor to be voted off, seventh member of the jury: "Scrapper." (Scrapper nods his head, accepting. Shakes Megatron and Grimlock's hands.) Scrapper, the tribe has spoken. (Extinguishes his torch flame. Scrapper waves them all good-bye and walks out.)

Jeff: Tomorrow you have all day to think about your strategy. Head back to camp.

(Music picks up.)

Scrapper: I KNEW he would double-cross me! This will cost him, BIG!

Megatron: (Walking back with Grimlock.) I suggest you employ a better speech than the oration you exhibited today. Your lack of verbosity merits a second-place reward. (Grimlock nods.)

_Grimlock: (Rocket scientist, buff like a headdress.) Megatron, You wrong. And you ugly, too._

DAY THIRTY-FOUR

(Shots of Megatron napping in the shelter. Grimlock holds Superpecker and watches the ocean. Soon it rains all over everything.)

_Megatron: (Psychology professor, buff is around like a wristband.) All of this suspense for a minor ceremony in which those who determine my fate will air their grievances for not being intelligent enough to vote me off._

(Shots of them packing up everything, crawling into bed in the shelter, and Superpecker roosting above Grimlock as they go offline.)

DAY THIRTY-FIVE: FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL

Jeff: Hi guys. Welcome back to the final tribal council. This one is a little different. Megatron, may I have the necklace. (Takes it back.) Immunity is not longer up for grabs. OK, time for the jury. These are the mechs who will determine who will win the 1 million barrels of Karbombyan oil, the prize you've been waiting 35 days for.

Grimlock: YOU SAY THIRTY-NINE!

Megatron: That dimwitted Dinobot is correct! You originally told us the duration of the show was thirty-nine days.

Jeff: I said no such thing. Jury! Get out here! (They walk in, looking refreshed and freshly waxed, not to mention clean-shaven. Starscream is scowling. Motormaster looks mad. Shrapnel's new eyes are scary. Scrapper's glare could melt stone.) Here is your jury. The people you worked with, fought with, voted off. To begin with, I'd like both of you to give an opening statement. Grimlock, you can go first.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK KNOW YOU NEVER SEE ME COMING, NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE ME GRIMLOCK'S PLACE.

Jeff: Was that it? (He nods.) Go ahead, Megatron.

Megatron: Autobots, Decepticons...Probst. I address you today not as competitors but as friends. Any of you could be up here right now, but that was not how it happened. As you witnessed, through strategy and alliance I found a way to somehow gain the upper hand over all of you these past few weeks. I believe the barrels of oil are my entitlement.

Joe: Great. OK, now each juror has the chance to ask both of you a question, starting with the first person voted off. Scrapper, go ahead.

(Scrapper stands up.)

Scrapper: Both of you were mean to me. You owe me an apology.

Grimlock: FOR WHAT? YOU THINK YOU NOW JUDD?

Megatron: Scrapper, I am deeply sorry that I stabbed you in the back. I know now that it was wrong, and that I am paying for it.

Scrapper: (Sitting down.) You sure are. Thank you.

Jeff: (To camera.) If ANYBODY believed that apology, I have a 1980 Chevette in perfect condition, only driven to church by a little old lady, a BARGAIN at $4,000. (To jury.) I believe Shrapnel is next.

Shrapnel: I have a simple question for both of you, both of you: why didn't you like my ghost stories, ghost stories?

Grimlock: EL CHUPACABRA NOT SCARY.

Megatron: I LOVED your stories! I thought you told some great ones!

Jeff: Oh for-(Shrapnel sits down, satisfied.) Motormaster?

Motormaster: Which did you like better, Empire or Jedi?

Megatron: Empire.

Motormaster: Blasphemy!

Grimlock: JEDI BETTER. EWOKS CUTE! LANDO RULES!

Motormaster: You're a mech after my own spark.

Megatron: Empire had a much more realistic ending! Who would you rather work with, Yoda or Wickett? (Motormaster blows him off.)

Jeff: Mirage, for the love of all that is good in this show, please ask a semi-decent question!

Mirage: Bite my shiny metal ass. Grimlock, how on Cybertron did you slip past all of us unnoticed until the last minute?

Grimlock: ME GRIMLOCK LAY LOW. ME GRIMLOCK SHOW WEAKNESS IN OTHERS.

Megatron: I had a secret alliance or two; that was my survival.

Jeff: Better. (Mirage sits.) Rumble?

Rumble: (Walks in front of them). I want to know what each of them thought was the turning point in the game in which they knew they'd be in the final two.

Megatron: I would have to say it was when I lost you. Without your help, I was forced to re-evaluate my strategy.

Grimlock: THE DAY I GOT SUPERPECKER.

Jeff: That was so moronic I'm glad I cut this show off four days early!

Megatron: I KNEW it!

Jeff: Starscream, it is your turn for a question. (Starscream stands in front of them, hands folded.)

Starscream: Um...I have no questions, I just have a statement. Megatron, you're a very openly arrogant, pompous mech. But I admire your frankness with it. You've worked hard to get where you're at, you started working hard way before you came to the island. So with my work ethic background, I give that credit to you. But on the other hand, your inability to admit your failures without going into a whiney speech makes you a bit of a loser in life. Grimlock, what goes around comes around. It's here: you will not get my vote, my vote will go to Megatron. I hope that is the one vote the makes you lose the oil. (Turns to jury.) I plead to the jury tonight...to think a little about the island that we have been on. This island is pretty much full of only two things: snakes and rats. And in one end of Mother Nature we have Megatron the snake, who knowingly went after prey; and Grimlock, who turned into a rat, that ran around like the rats do on this island, trying to run from the snake. I feel we owe it to the island's spirits that we have come to know to let it be in the end the way Mother Nature intended it to be: for the snake to eat the rat. (Sits down.)

Jeff: Starscream...What you've just said...is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even CLOSE to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this circle...is now DUMBER for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Starscream: Okay, a simple, "Thank you" would have done just fine. (Pouts.)

Jeff: (Pinching forehead.) Optimus, you're up.

Optimus Prime: (Standing up and moving down gracefully.) I don't believe either of you deserve to be the final two. If you had to make a choice, out of all 16 of us, who would you rather be against?

Megatron and Grimlock: YOU.

Jeff: For reasons we all know, but won't say. Now, to close the deal, you are allowed to make a final speech. Megatron.

Megatron: You were all great. I regret the choices I made, yet in the same vein I _don't_. If you were in my position at this very moment, you would not be hearing me make accusatory remarks to you. My logic processors would not allow it. This is a game, and I played it, and I deserve to win because I played it the best. You are all very intelligent beings, you will recognize that. I am hopeful you have _already_ recognized that.

Grimlock: ME GRIMLCOK NOT MEGATRON.

Jeff: (Shaking his head. Mutters.) Two more years and I can do Jeopardy! (Louder.) This is how we do it: you are voting FOR who you think is the ultimate Survivor. When all the votes are made, the container is sealed, not to be opened until the final showing in California. Any questions? (There are none.) Optimus Prime, you may go first. (Optimus Prime gets up and votes for Grimlock.)

Optimus Prime: Good job, my friend. There is no chance Megatron will win.

(The montage continues. Rumble votes for Megatron.)

Rumble: You were great. Congratulations.

(The last person, Scrapper, votes for Megatron, claiming "Who knows why?" and sits down.)

Jeff: Now that I have the votes, I will see you in Hollywood! (Jeff grabs the container, runs out of tribal council and jumps into a bright yellow Jeep.) To Hollywood!

Swindle: You aren't paying me enough, Probst! I'm taking ya to the airport!

(Swindle takes him to the airport where Jeff boards a black and purple F-15 fighter. He flies over the Pacific Ocean as the Indiana Jones wannabe map shows us. Suddenly, the jet's gauges go crazy.)

Skywarp: (In fake voice.) Oh. no. Bail. Out. Jeff.

Jeff: (Sighs.) I. Guess. I. Have. To. (Jeff ejects out and lands in the water, parachute nearly tangling up on him. He still clutches the voting container.) Who. Will. Save. Me. (Seaspray pulls up, splashing the camera crew.)

Seaspray: (Gallantly.) _I'll_ save you!

Jeff: Hooray! (Seaspray rushes forward on the Indiana Jones map all the way to Malibu, CA.)

Seaspray: I'm afraid I can only take you as far as your palatial seaside estate, Jeff!

Jeff: That's fine! Thanks, Seaspray! (Jeff runs up the yard to his giant garage. He turns the light on, glancing over his cars to the large orange futuristic-looking bicycle.) I'll take this one!

Wreck-Garr: (Singing the theme from "Looney Toons".) On with the show, this is it! (Wreck-Garr drives him down the California highway while the "CHiPs" theme plays. He gets stuck in traffic. Jeff is at a loss, until Cosmos floats up to him.)

Cosmos: Need a ride, Jeff?

Jeff: Thanks! See ya, Wreck-Garr!

Wreck Garr: Thanks for the memories!

(Jeff is carried to the Staples Center in Anaheim. Cosmos drops him off at the door and Jeff runs in to a screaming crowd of Autobots and Decepticons. Grimlock and Megatron sit at a fake fire, with the jury, on an elaborate stage. Al Roker waves at the crowd. All look a lot less emaciated, except for Al. They stand when Jeff appears on-camera. In a corner of the stage, Steelworks begins the "Survivor" theme.)

Jeff: Hi! (Crowd cheers. Steelworks cuts their song short.) Have a seat everybody, let's get this over with. (They sit.) So...Megatron, Grimlock, are you ready to know who won?

Megatron: I've been waiting to exact my revenge for six months, Probst. Get on with it!

Jeff: Grump. OK, these votes are FOR you. The mech who gets the most votes wins a million barrels of Karbombyan oil. Once the votes are read, the decision is final. (Opens sealed container, pulls out first piece of paper.) First vote: Grimlock. Second vote: Megatron. Third vote: Grimlock. Two votes Grimlock, one vote Megatron. (Music gets scarier.) Fourth vote: Megatron. Two votes apiece. Fifth vote: Grimlock. (Music tenses up as Jeff deliberates the next paper.) Sixth vote: Megatron. This one will break the tie. (Opens vote.) The winner of Survivor: Earth is...

WHO WILL WIN?


	12. And the Winner is

When I posterd this on Lexicon, I asked my readers to vote. ONE person did. She got her wish, and a lot of people need to realize that democracy is more than just lobbists and bribery. If you don't say anything, you don't get what you want.

* * *

Jeff Probst: (Voiceover) Previously on "Survivor."

Everyone: **GET ON WITH IT!**

Jeff: Geesh! OK, here!

(Picture back to frozen Jeff about to reveal the ultimate Survivor. They are on the stage in Staples Center, with Al Roker and Steelworks and-)

Everyone: **C'MON!**

(OK, FINE! Here!)

Jeff: Grimlock! Grimlock wins!

Grimlock: Whoo-hoo! (Does his little dance.)

Megatron: WHAT! I've been robbed! Who didn't vote for me? (No one admits responsibility.)

Optimus Prime: Get over it, Meggy! You lost!

Jeff: Don't be a sore loser.

Megatron: That's it! (Pulls ion cannon out of subspace and reattaches it to his arm. Shoots the ceiling.) Decepticons! Attack! (The entire audience breaks into fighting. Al Roker is the first one to get shot.) PROBST! Where are you?

(Camera shows Jeff hiding under stage.)

Jeff: Since all hell has broken loose, we're going to forget the rest of the show and rip off the last scene from "Animal House." I hope to see you next season as four, count 'em, _four_ tribes duke it out for the control of an ENTIRE planet on Survivor: Eternia. Stay tuned for CSI.

Megatron: WHERE ARE YOU PROBST? (Rumble is piuledriving the stage apart. Jeff makes a break for it.)

(The "A Team" theme plays as each player is focused on, shot frozen as they fight.)

Blurr: Working on his PhD in history while moonlighting as a tobacco auctioneer.

Cliffjumper: Tired of endless ribbing from strangers regarding the show, moves to Canada and begins producing "Degrassi: the Next Generation."

Soundwave: Replacing Dan Rather on CBS.

Mishap: Working on her MBA, still not employed.

Red Alert: Hired by CIA. Couldn't tell us what he does.

Wheelie: Graduating in April, on his way to Jeffrey Figer's law school.

Ironhide: Went triple platinum with his hit single "My Wife Left Me for a Truck."

Optimus Prime: Wife divorced him last spring, is currently dating Sailor Moon.

Starscream: Engaged to marry a ballerina in July. Female ballerina. Seriously.

Rumble: Writing a book on Survivor. Richard Hatch is suing him.

Mirage: Running for Senate. Spends more time with Mishap.

Shrapnel: Still a plumber, but thanks to TV coverage has a booming business.

Scrapper and Motormaster: Founded their own personal bodyguard company. Popular among rap stars.

Megatron: Currently living with Ironhide in Nashville, talking about adopting a kid from China.

Grimlock: Sold his Karbombyan oil to the United States government for 4 times its worth. Demanded being paid in coins so he could swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

(Shots back to Jeff running for his life.)

Jeff: That concludes our show. Goodnight! I love you Murphy! See you next time!

THE END


End file.
